The Swass Report

2007-09-28T11:49:00.000-07:00

National Steve Guttenberg Day is this Sunday!!!

Be sure to celebrate with a couple Gutte movies, some beers and Guttenburgers.

Best Guttenberg Day Party Ever!

2006-10-02T10:46:00.000-07:00

Pin the Badge on Mahoney!
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

Thanks to all of those that attended my Guttenberg party, and making it the best one ever! Gutte n' Glug stakes were raised this year with the chance to win Guttenberg related prizes. And the new additions of Guttenburgers and "Pin the Badge on Mahoney" seemed to be a big hit.
Congrats to Katie O. for her winning try at the game. Click here for a couple party pics! The final shirt orders are coming in and I'll get them out to everyone as soon as I can. It was great to see so many of you in last year's Guttenberg shirts.
Only 363 days until next year's Guttenberg party! We'll have to find a bigger venue and really open this thing up since the likes of Defamer have picked up on it! Maybe we can even get the Gutte himself to show up next year.

********click here to see how to make your own wall-sized Guttenberg******

3rd Annual "National Steve Guttenberg Day" Eve!

2006-09-29T09:37:00.000-07:00

The day is close at hand.
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

Tomorrow the greatest day in the world is upon us. That's right kids, "National Steve Guttenberg Day" has come again for the third year in a row, and this year it falls on a Saturday! I suggest you celebrate accordingly.

Here are a few suggestions for your "National Steve Guttenberg Day" party:

1. Rent the oeuvre of the Gutte. (I suggest checking out "It Takes Two" and "Don't Tell her it's Me".

2. Name your party snacks after the Gutte. (I for one am serving Guttenbergers and Gutte n' Plentys)

3. Play some Guttenberg inspired games! (Try "Pin the badge on Mahoney", "Gutten-trivia", or if you're over 21 a round of "Gutte n' Glug" livens the party up!)

4. Have a Guttenberg costume contest. (either dress up as your favorite Guttenberg character or dress up as the Gutte himself)

5. Invite your friends, have fun, and enjoy the magic that is Steve Guttenberg!

I have to go now and finish this year's Guttenberg t-shirt design! I think of ways to outdo last year's party.

If you have your own Guttenberg Party please send pics for me to post!

2006-09-25T20:09:00.000-07:00

HOLY CRAP!

I've found the best blog in the entire world!
Pure genius. And exactly the one thing the internet needed the most.

Blogging Widget!!!

2006-06-29T15:57:00.000-07:00

I love widgets. I just found the blogger one and its rad.

2006-04-12T15:26:00.000-07:00

Beware!!!

There is a dangerous criminal on the loose.

find out more here.

2006-03-30T08:19:00.000-08:00

Wow.

How do I get my hands on one of those singing Guttenberg cardboard cutouts like the one at the end of this video?

2006-03-29T17:43:00.000-08:00

He's got my vote!

click here to see why.

2006-03-17T18:10:00.000-08:00

Stuff to check out

1. Sweet cartoon

2. Sweet drawings

Kazaam!!!!!

2006-03-17T18:07:00.000-08:00

Kazaam!!!!!
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

Yep.

Muggsy Bogues Hate Adam McKibbin

2006-03-16T15:28:00.000-08:00

mugsy2
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

Yes, it true. Muggsy can't stand McKibbin. So much so that he ponied up $10 to back me in the March Madness Tourney against McKibbin. I don't even have to win the whole thing. I just have to beat McKibbin. And if I don't beat McKibbin, Muggsy says we'll be cool if I just give McKibbin a good kick in the shin for him.

Sweet Boots, Chris.

2005-11-15T14:46:00.000-08:00

boots. start walken
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

Soon to be a sweet shirt.
Click Here to help me decide on a color.

I'm making him some boots.

2005-11-11T17:29:00.000-08:00

cw
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

Hopefully by Monday you'll get to see the fruit of my labor.

High School Basketball Coaches Unite!

2005-11-09T17:05:00.000-08:00

Unstoppable?
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

There's one big problem with high school basketball. And that problem is Teen Wolf. If you're team keeps losing to Teen Wolf I suggest you read this coach's strategy. While not a fool-proof guarantee, it may help.

"Covering Teen Wolf"

Dwight Schrute has a "Blog"

2005-11-02T16:37:00.000-08:00

Dwight Schrute has a "Blog"
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

Go there or he may kick you in the neck

Don't Tell Her it's Me and the Gutte.

2005-11-01T11:28:00.000-08:00

lobox2
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

Seriously, don't tell her. We're in disguise and if she ever figures out it's really us, she'll be pissed.
So if anyone asks, we are Lobo Morongo from New Zealand. We hunt alone. We need no one.
Please don't blow our cover.

As Gutte as it gets.

2005-10-27T13:29:00.000-07:00

Steve Guttenberg - Honorary Mayor
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

I just found this blog.

The Steve Guttenberg Project

It's is one woman's honorable quest to purchase every Steve Guttenberg movie ever made.

To you fair lady, I tip my hat.

As a bonus, here's a link to an interview this the Gutte.

The Guttenberg Sayeth

An example..

2005-10-26T14:25:00.000-07:00

advertising-icious!
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

It's not quite a powerpoint presentation, but it'll do.
This is what typical advertising plugs will sound like with the new ad campaign I made.

They could be talking about anything and make a smooth segue into how chef boyardee's ravioli is ravioli-icious.
Here's another example:

Madden: Things sure are heating up here in the fourth quarter.

Other guy: Just like you should heat up some Beefaroni.

Madden: It's Beefaroni-icious!

Other guy: Of course it is. It's not delicious unless it's Chef Boyardeeeelicious!

Chef Boyardeelicious!

2005-10-26T13:58:00.000-07:00

Chef Boyardeelicious!
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

That is my advertising campaign pitch for Chef Boyardee. And by advertising campaign, I mean hopefully someone from Chef Boyardee reads this and realizes the genius in it and pays me for it.
Besides the catchphrase "Chef Boyardeelicious", "icious" will be added to the end of all their products. Such as Ravioli-icious, and Beefaroni-icous. Trust me, those sayings will get stuck in your head like the food will in your arteries.

Showing Their Range.

2005-10-24T10:51:00.000-07:00

loveofthegutte
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

The powerhouse duo is back. The Gutte and Manute have gone to prove that they have a soft, caring side as well, in an attempt to pull in more female fans for reasons other than their hunky bods and chiseled features.

The Gutte is starting to pop up everywhere since the 2nd Annual "National Steve Guttenberg Day".

Check him out over at the Best Week Ever's blog as he adds movie reviewer to his resume.

I too, will refer to the 80's as the Gutties from now on.

One final remark. Why is everyone spelling "The Gutte" wrong. Guttenberg has two "t's" so why spell it "Gute"?

Get it right guys.

Possible Color for New Tee.

2005-10-23T14:53:00.000-07:00

2Cool4School(color)
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

What do y'all think of this color scheme.

Hit me up if you have any other ideas.

TomKatastrophe

2005-10-20T15:33:00.000-07:00

TomKatastrophe
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

Not content with making Katie his brain-washed incubator for L. Spawn Hubbard, Tom has gone and attached Katie's head to his shoulder. Thus insuring the most photo-ops as possible.

I believe here he is manically laughing as he asks a reporter "Would a gay man attach his bride-to-be's head to his shoulder?"

Touche, Tom.

That's what we get for questioning the method of Katie's conception.

Nicole Richie's Diet Secret Revealed!

2005-10-20T14:45:00.000-07:00

WHAT??!!!
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

She has to look at this in the mirror every morning.
Seriously, I just lost my appetite.

(I'm pretty sure the guy in the white shirt standing behind her is dry heaving.)

Join "The Swass Report Mustache Brigade"!!!!

2005-10-18T18:04:00.000-07:00

what is she up to?
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

Ashley is the newest card-carrying member of the SRMB.
At first I felt like something in her story didn't add up, as I had seen her a couple minutes before without a mustache. She convinced me that everything was on the up and up and I figured her shifty eyes had to do with something else I should suspect her of. For instance, she was probably thinking of stealing that sweet Glenn Braggs Starting Line-up figurine in the background. With that villianous (yet awesome) stache, she'd be my first suspect if it went missing.

A Lesson in Awesomeness: featuring Jake Plummer

2005-10-18T15:52:00.000-07:00

plummer
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

Jake Plummer used to look totally awesome until he shaved his mustache. Why would you want to exchange an awesome look for a lame one?
If I was a linebacker he would have gotten respect when he had the mustache. Now, not so much. He looks like a communist and a sissy without the stache and deserves to be hit really hard by linebackers. With the stache, they'd probably let him be and ask if he wanted to grab a beer after the game.
That's why I'm happy to sign this petition
If he grows it back, I'll even make him a card carrying member of "The Swass Report Mustache Brigade".

Coming Soon to a T-shirt near you.

2005-10-18T14:44:00.000-07:00

2cool
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

I hope to have the latest and greatest done by the end of this week.

We'll see if it happens.

Until then, Stew smells like rabbit pee.

Totally Awesome

2005-10-06T17:34:00.000-07:00

Totally Awesome
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

People are making Mario Brother's question boxes and hanging them around their cities.

Check it.

New T-shirt

2005-10-06T16:14:00.000-07:00

katecruise's t-shirt
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

I've re-opened the Randy and Moss store.
Here's our latest offering.

Also, if enough of you let me know that you liked the "I Gleamed the Cube" shirt. I will print those up as well.

The Darkness have a new single.

2005-10-04T10:28:00.000-07:00

Rock!
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

You can hear it on their myspace page this week!

I can't wait until they tour again. It was one of the greatest shows I've ever seen.

Speaking of great shows. I saw Mando Diao at the Troubadour last night. They put on a great high energy show. I suggest you check them out if you get the chance. The Lashes are also worth checking out. They opened last night. They probably would have rocked my socks off but I was prepared and wore some garters to keep them on. Otherwise I'd lose more socks at rock shows than I do in the laundry.

Best "National Steve Guttenberg Day" Ever!!

2005-10-02T12:39:00.000-07:00

GutteParty
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

I hope you all had a splendid "National Steve Guttenberg Day". I had the day off so I spent my day watching Diner, It Takes Two, Police Academy, The Boyfriend School, Can't Stop the Music, and High Spirits. Then Everyone came over for the party. Here's a picture of some of us celebrating this awesome day. If you missed it, you'll have to wait until next year.

Tis the Eve Before Guttenberg Day!

2005-09-29T10:19:00.000-07:00

2-guttenburg
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

Oh man! We're only one day away from the most awesome day of all the year. I don't think I'm going to be able to get any sleep tonight. I'm too excited. I caught Veronica Mars last night to catch a glimpse of the Gutte. He plays a kooky baseball team owner who's going to be running for mayor. Hopefully the next few episodes will up the Gutte's screen time.

I suggest going out and getting your Guttenberg movies today! If you live anywhere near me you're probably out of luck as I've rented them all already.

Get ready to celebrate the glory that is Guttenberg!

Watch The Gutte on Veronica Mars Tonight!

2005-09-28T10:34:00.000-07:00

Watch me on Veronica Mars!
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

Tune in to UPN tonight and taste the 2nd Annual "National Steve Guttenberg Day" a little early. As you can probably tell by the picture, it is going to be awesome. Invite your friends over and study up on your Guttenberg knowledge so that you won't look like a fool when playing "Gutten-glug" (the best Steve Guttenberg game in the world).

After the show, I suggest you sleep through Thrusday as you're going to need a lot of energy to make it through the 30th!

2005-09-28T09:54:00.000-07:00

Go here to vote for my "I Gleamed the Cube" t-shirt on Threadless!

I'm in High Spirits this week!

2005-09-27T09:23:00.000-07:00

hs
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

The 2nd Annual "National Steve Guttenberg Day" is only 3 days away and I couldn't be more excited. It's going to be the best party ever. I suggest you all celebrate. My party will include Guttenberg outfits, Guttenberg movies, and Guttenberg games.

While you were out...

2005-09-23T14:59:00.000-07:00

Igleamedthecube(final)
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

...I gleamed the cube. And then made a shirt about it to remind you that you missed it. You missed some radical cube gleaming. Even Christian Slater was there. And you missed it. I hope that cheeseburger was worth it.

Everything's coming up Guttenberg!

2005-09-22T09:10:00.000-07:00

guttenberg!!!!
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

The big day is approaching. The 2nd Annual "National Steve Guttenberg Day" will be awesome. And as an appetizer, UPN is giving you a taste of the Gutte on Veronica Mars on September 28th. A mere 2 days before the day of days. Here's a pic of the Gutte from the show. He plays the owner of a baseball team.

Only 9 more days!!!

An Awesome Message from Buck's Dad

2005-09-19T12:04:00.000-07:00

Buck's dad
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

Everything this guy says rules.

Why???

2005-09-19T12:02:00.000-07:00

Rex_Morgan
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

I hate king features. They have taken away my free daily Rex Morgan MD! They expect me to pay $15.00 a year just for the comics section of the paper. I could just go to the local coffee shop and read it over someone's shoulder for free. Plus, if I'm bothersome enough the person who's shoulder I'm reading over will probably just give me the whole section of the newspaper.
I can't believe they would try to deny me this simple pleasure. Which if you've been reading lately, Buck's dad is freakin' awesome. It's probably too small to read here, but he's always saying awesome things. In this one some old guy says "I'm certain Buck would not approve." And then Buck's dad says "I don't think he approved of having his head bashed in either." Zing!

T-shirt

2005-09-13T18:40:00.000-07:00

mr.t-rex
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

I call this "Mr. T. Rex."
It's a combination of the most powerful thing of the prehistoric era and the most powerful thing of the 80's. Which when combined is a massive wrecking machine.

The design is not yet finished but if you have thoughts on what might make it more awesome, let me know.

Can you feel it in the air tonight?

2005-09-07T11:11:00.000-07:00

Miami Vice, Swass style
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

Cause Phil Collins can, and so can the blockbuster combo of Manute and the Gutte.
This is perhaps the best on-screen combo to never hit the big screen. Billy Crystal and his giant got nothing on Manute and the Gutte.
Still don't believe it would be pants-wettingly awesome? Take a look at the picture.
That's the version I want to see.

"National Steve Guttenberg Day" is rapidly approaching. Have you made your party plans yet?

Where it's at!

2005-09-06T14:42:00.000-07:00

Where it's at!
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

The Gutte, 2 turntables, and a microphone!

This image best encapsulates what my "2nd Annual National Steve Guttenberg Day" party is going to look like.
Not only will Guttenberg be there (he's not officially coming yet) but he will DJ it while wearing an awesome white sports coat. Looking at this photo, I'll never understand how Don Johnson and Colin Farrell beat him out for the Crockett role in Miami Vice.

In fact, please make a list of movies or tv shows that would have been better had Steve Guttenberg been in them and include an explaination.
My favorites shall be posted on Sept. 30th, in honor of the holiday. The overall winner will receive a limited edition Randy and Moss "Guttenberg" shirt.

If Google says so, it must be true.

2005-09-02T09:04:00.000-07:00

so sayeth the google search
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

Today I decided to take on the daunting task of finding the greatest picture ever. Armed with my library card and one of those little canisters of page turning balm, I was ready to go. Then I realized that we live in the information age and that I could simply type "greatest picture ever" into a google image search. Turns out the task wasn't so daunting after all.
This is the official result. Yes, I man in a red shirt giving a thumbs up in front of a large green banner that says "cactus" is officially the greatest picture ever. Sorry Ansel Adams. Perhaps you should have spent less time trying to get a large depth of field and sharp focus, and more time on your thumbs up poses.

Gutte and Plenty...

2005-08-26T15:11:00.000-07:00

Hoju and the Gutte
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

...of Fun and Awesomeness!
As "Swass Report" reader Hoju lets us know that there ain't no party like a Guttenberg party, cause the Guttenberg party don't stop.
I envy you Hoj, with every bone in my body. However, that Guttenberg party will be your last as you'll be married soon (before this upcoming National Steve Guttenberg Day even) and that means no more Gutte Times for you. It would be like your wife letting you go to the Playboy mansion for a party. The ladies love the Gutte. Even in Hoju's picture a couple of ladies had to rush in there and get all up on him.
This year, Guttenberg will be at my National Steve Guttenberg Party and it will be awesome.
Set the date, September 30th = the 2nd annual "National Steve Guttenberg Day".

Important Reminder.

2005-08-09T10:42:00.000-07:00

Gutte Hair day.
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

September 30th is rapidly approaching!
What's so great about September 30th?
It's the second celebration of "National Steve Guttenberg Day". This year it falls on a Friday, so I don't want to hear any excuses for not celebrating it right this year.
Let the countdown begin!

53 days and counting.

Goddamn right, It's a Gutte-iful day.

2005-07-14T17:55:00.000-07:00

gutte
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

today has been jam-packed full of Gutteness. First I get this awesome signed headshot. Hopefully he likes his shirt and it won't be about that. I really hope it's to thank me for creating "National Steve Guttenberg Day", which is rapidly approaching. Mark your calendars for September 30th and ask your boss off for that day now. And finally, I found out (thanks to Moss) that Guttenberg will be starring in 7 episodes of "Veronica Mars" this season. So someone, please set your TiVo and tape them all for me.

Hasselhoff and puppies

2005-07-12T11:24:00.000-07:00

Hasselhoff and puppies
Originally uploaded by Johnny Awesome.

It's impossible not to smile when seeing this picture. Hasselhoff is jealous of the Gutte. Always has been. He doesn't understand how the Gutte brings such joy to the world. Well, I say Hasselhoff has figured it out. With two puppies, Hasselhoff's Q factor hovers just below the Gutte's with no puppies. Valient effort David.

Gutte Housekeeping

2005-07-06T13:35:00.000-07:00

Gutte Housekeeping
Originally uploaded by Johnny No Thumbs.

I bet you didn't know this. But the Gabriel's husband on Desperate Housewives, stole his look from the Gutte. This picture is the proof.
Like I said before, you Can't Stop the Gutte. Even if he's not on the TV, he's influencing it. And shows with even a subtle influence are prospering greatly because of the Gutte Effect.
Speaking of the Gutte on TV, did you catch Celebrity Charades?
He was on it.
On time his partner had Police Academy and she just stood there pointing at the Gutte.

Look What the Cat Dragged In!

2005-06-28T11:02:00.000-07:00

cc me and the girls.
Originally uploaded by Johnny No Thumbs.

I went to the Rainbow Room on Sunset this Friday. I wasn't looking for nothing but a good time. You know, just raising a toast to all of us that are breaking our backs everyday, when none other than CC Deville walks in. Needless to say, we didn't keep our composure and crowded around him. He was awesome. Seriously, CC is the man.

Tom broke my couch!

2005-06-23T17:10:00.000-07:00

Tom broke my couch!

We have a new website and in it's honor I've decided to give away a free iron-on design.
Just go to Randy and Moss to download it.
It's a two part design, and I'm sure all of you are smart enough to figure it out on your own.

Starve Wars

2005-06-08T09:58:00.000-07:00

starve wars

Attack of the Bones!
Competitive Eating has met its match. Competitive Starving is the next big thing, plus it brings star power that competitive eating is sorely missing.
The first starlet that gets down to 50 lbs. wins a part in my non-anticipated low-budget indie flick "Attack of the 50 lb. Woman"

As always, check out the shirt over at Randy and Moss

If Only Tom Cruise would have gone bananas much earlier.

2005-06-03T18:29:00.000-07:00

I'll be your wingman anytime, Gutte.

Then we would have seen a whole different "Top Gun." Or should I say "Top Gutte". Just imagine how awesome that movie would have been if Guttenberg was Maverick.

go ahead, keep imagining. You're in a good place now and I don't want to ruin it for you.

This guy has got the right idea. The youth must learn of the Gutte and his magnificence. That's why it's important that you all celebrate the 2nd annual "National Steve Guttenberg Day" on Sept. 30th. Mark your calendar today.

Marty McFly, where have you taken me?

2005-05-26T15:00:00.000-07:00

go see these guys!

Last weekend I caught Children of the Beast at 14 Below in Santa Monica and I could have sworn that I traveled back in time. They're a early Motley Crue tribute band and they've got the looks that kill. They also sound good. But seriously, the pics I took when the smoke was on stage look like I was front row back at the Whisky in the early 80's.

They rock and the costumes are spot on. I highly reccommend checking them out. I've been really dissappointed with Metal Skool lately, so if you're thinking of checking them out go to a Children of the Beast show instead. All Metal Skool does lately is talk for an hour and fifty minutes and play like 10 minutes of music. These guys play straight up early crue. The big let down was the lack of a giant drum solo. If that would have happened, I think my head might have exploded (but in a good way). They played Dr. Feelgood which isn't early Crue and it got my excited that they might play Kickstart my Heart, but no matter how much we yelled for it they wouldn't play it. Maybe next time, or if they play Public Enemy #1 instead to stick with the early Crue thing, I'm cool with that too.

2005-05-20T14:51:00.000-07:00

What do Jedi's do in their freetime?

In case you don't get a chance to go see Star Wars III this weekend, this video will do. Plus it's free.

(link via Screenhead)

I went to a Kelly Clarkson concert last night...

2005-05-20T09:52:00.000-07:00

kelly

...and it was totally awesome.
So say what you will, but all y'all that think you're too good to see a KC concert are missing out on one of the best live shows out there. She sings a couple slow ones but for the most part the girl rocks out. She's got moxy. She played her American Idol song "A Moment like This" as a punk rock song and that sealed the deal. I love Kelly Clarkson and I'm not afraid to say it.
(Pic courtesy of my rad new digital camera.)

2005-05-19T10:12:00.000-07:00

The Best Around

The Official Macchio Men are starting to shape up. Pretty soon we'll have enough to fill a dojo.

2005-05-18T16:03:00.000-07:00

The Curious Case of Oprah and the Incredibly Shrinking Actresses

I figured out why all of these actresses are getting super skinny.
People say it's drugs or eating disorders, which may be the case. However for one to suddenly go into these activities to such extreme measures, there must be an underlying cause. Something that drives them to this.
I'm proud to say, I've discovered this cause.

I blame Oprah. That's right, Oprah.
We need to bring back fat oprah.
By getting skinny, Oprah has thrown off a delicate balance.
Whether she likes it or not, Oprah's name is associated with weight.
This means that she is a benchmark for others. They decide if they look skinny not by looking in a mirror, but by looking at Oprah. So if she's skinny, actresses have to be super skinny. An actress goes on Oprah and she'll think, "OMG! I'm the size of Oprah!" This traumatic event will cause them to take extreme measures to lose enough weight so that the proportion between them and Oprah is back to normal (roughly about 5 dress sizes). As you can see, this can be quite hazardous to this nation's young starlets.
So as soon as Oprah fattens up again, actresses can comfortably be a normal size and feel thin again.
If Oprah puts back on 10 lbs then Lohan can do the same.
So please Bring Back Fat Oprah before it's too late.
Hesitate one day and we may lose Lohan.
Hesitate two days, there goes Nicole Richie.
Three days...good bye Mary-Kate.
The list will go on and on, unless Oprah hits the Krispy Kremes.

Oprah takes a bite. Now it's your turn Lindsay and Nicole.

2005-05-17T09:13:00.000-07:00

And if things weren't Chaotic enough already...

Here's a new shirt.

Federline T-shirt

Can you handle this shirt?

2005-05-04T17:07:00.000-07:00

It had to happen sooner or later.

With all the little dogs being carried around in bags, it wasn't going to be to long before the dogs became the bags. I present you with the doggy bag (I don't really know the official name for it, and I'd rather not know.)

You either need a bigger purse or a smaller dog, sweetie.

Now your dog can be your favorite accessory!
Although you may want to get a few dogs, because we all know you don't carry a brown dog with black shoes.

This dog has a freakishly long neck. Or maybe it's get-up is doing something really awful to it's legs.

2005-05-03T16:54:00.000-07:00

Federline Rules!
It all makes sense now. This whole Britney/Federline thing. And just at the right time because now I think I will be able to handle their truth.
You see, this whole time I thought K-Fed was a back-up dancer when they got together.
Well, it turns out that he was actually a Production Assistant for the tour. As anyone in the entertainment industry knows, a PA is just another word for Gopher.

So it turns out that Britney knew actually what she was doing.
She knew what she needed in a man and found one that fit the criteria.
She needed a man that was good at getting stuff for her and also be able to get her pregnant. Federline proved to have skills in both of those areas.
Why go for a man with a job? I mean she already loaded. Plus if he's working, who's going to go get stuff for her. Besides anyone with a decent job in the business doesn't know how to do a lot of things for themselves. Hencefore the necessity of production assistants.

Let's take a look at Federline showing off some of his PA skills:

Grocery Shopping...

Coffee Runs...

Getting Supplies...

Wow, he's good!
I've seen a lot of PAs in my time, and I have to say he looks like one of the best.
Good job Brit Brit.

2005-05-02T14:39:00.000-07:00

London and France ain't got nothing on This!

You may think I stink. But I don't. Federline, yo!

2005-04-28T15:04:00.000-07:00

Finally!

There's a place to see different people all wearing the same shirt.
And that place is here - www.macchioman.blogspot.com
(the place is there. There just aren't any photos yet. But someday... someday my dream will be realized.)

This is what it was like when I blew Macchio's mind with this idea:

Me: "What do you think of that?"

Ralph: (surprise and awe) "whaaa?"

See...even Ralph Macchio is stunned by how awesome this is going to be.

2005-04-26T18:15:00.000-07:00

Where have all the Big Boys gone?

It seems that with less Bob's Big Boy restaurants around these days, that the giant statue must have gone somewhere.

It seems that this place does exist and it's in Detroit.
Welcome to the "Big Boy Graveyard".

2005-04-22T09:36:00.000-07:00

Zombie Affleck Strikes Again!

Zombie Affleck isn't holding up so well anymore, but he's been on a rampage of brain eating. His jaw no longer holds to his face straight, and he always wears a hoodie. Possibly due to the fact that his head is decaying and there's no other way to disguise it.

Apparently Zombie Affleck has taken to playing guitar on the street. However, it's a well known fact that zombies cannot play the guitar, so this is just another clever trick of his to get people to come close so that he may eat their brains. Either that or it got stuck to his hand after attacking a victim and his zombie brain can't figure out how to remove it without accidentally tearing off his decaying arm. Either way, if you have a friend that drools a lot, seems a bit slow today, has a chunk of flesh missing, and claims to have lost a guitar; I suggest you stay away. Zombie Affleck already got to him, there's nothing you can do now.

On this note, the producers of this movie missed the chance to cast Zombie Affleck in his first Zombie role. Which would have added a lot of realism to the film, but it probably would have been hell for the extras.

Don't be fooled by Zombie Affleck...

He will not play you a song.

2005-04-21T10:05:00.000-07:00

Macchio, Macchio Man....

I want to be, a Macchio Man.
And now you can be!

Check out the newest shirt at Randy and Moss.

Wax on, wax off y'all.
I have a fence to paint and a deck to sand.

Do you want to be a Macchio Man?

2005-04-15T09:55:00.000-07:00

We call ourselves AWESOME

Check out the new logo for my band AWESOME. We play hair metal and do kicks and jumps and have big guitar solos and drum solos. Basically we do everything that bands these days don't do. Standing still on stage is fine if you sing well, but since we don't, we put on a show. And dressing like everyone that comes to see you is fine if you don't want to be put upon a pedestal and be worshipped. Go ahead and do that. Let them worship us instead, because we believe in the days when rockstars existed and you could spot them from a mile away.
We have one small setback right now, but we problem solved it.
The problem is until we start playing bigger venues, we can't do pyrotechnics. We don't want to have a Great White moment. So until that day comes, we just videotape pyro and project it onto the stage.
Just to give you an idea of just how AWESOME we are, I'll tell you the title of our first single.
It's called "Devil in my Pants".
AWESOME, indeed.

We are the greatest band you've never heard.

2005-04-05T14:01:00.000-07:00

Swass Fact #5

Never trust a Zombie!

2005-04-04T19:06:00.000-07:00

How Many Times do I have to tell you?

Stay away from Affleck!
He's no longer a lovable matinee star you wish could be your best friend.
He's a brain-eating zombie, and getting close to him will only turn you into the same. Luckily for most of you, Affleck is not around. However, he is around celebrities. Celebrities do not read "The Swass Report" and are apparently too stupid to realize that Affleck is a mindless zombie. Therefore, they continue to hang around him.
His latest victim seems to be Elisha Cuthbert. Which is a shame, because I rather liked her.
So please, if you know any celebrities, tell them to stay away from Ben Affleck unless they wish to become part of his Celebrity Zombie Posse.

Another celebrity turns to the Zombie side, thanks no doubt to Zombie Affleck and his Celebrity Zombie Posse.

2005-04-04T18:31:00.000-07:00

Zombie vs. Giant: Who will prevail?

Zombie Affleck has an enemy. Giant,Michael Clarke Duncan, is telling everyone that Zombie Affleck has a wee one. I can only expect this to end in death for one of these freaks of nature. I'm putting my money on Zombie Affleck. He's already been undead for quite sometime now and still seems to be in pretty good shape (in terms of not decomposing too much). He's also got a growing legion of zombie celebrities that may come to his defense if he decides to play dirty. And if there is one thing I've learned in life, it would have to be: Never trust a zombie. Add the fact the all Zombie Affleck has to do is bite the Giant, and it looks pretty grim for MCD.

"Stop saying bad things about my wee-wee," is what Affleck would be saying if he weren't a zombie. But he is, so instead he just yelled, "BRAINS!"

2005-03-28T18:37:00.000-08:00

Who made Steve Guttenberg a Star?

Who would have thought that the Guttenberg shirt would be the best seller?
Crazy.
I went to a Motley Crue show last week and it was awesome. I'll put a post up about it later. Until then, I've pasted together some of my favorite frames from Rex Morgan MD to create my very own storyline. I think the picture's too small to read, so I'll explain it to you.

If I was in charge of Rex Morgan MD, it'd be the best comic ever.

So Frank (he's the one in the hat that says "FRANK") says,"Hey, No fence, no cents... That's my motto!" Now you can tell that Frank is a little retarded because he's missing a tooth and wears a trucker hat that has his name on it, so you can understand why the blond guy in the hoodie is trying to hold his laughter in. It's hard to keep a straight face, when a guy like Frank is giving you life mottos.
Now Frank is smart enough to know that the blond guy is snickering at him so he says, "No, I'm as serious as a tax collector!" Frank is quite pleased with this comment and is sure that he got the point of his motto across. This would be easier to tell if he wasn't off-frame in this picture. But the blond guy, having put up with Frank's nonsense long enough, snaps back with a sarcastic, "And I'm going to be famous!" But since he threw off his hoodie while saying this, Frank believes that blond guy will be famous since he has long blond hair like a young Brad Pitt. But we all know he'll never be famous since his index finger has been cut off at the knuckle, leaving a very unattractive knub. It's because he only has a knub of a finger that blondie wants to see Frank's hand. He's going to have his very mean dog bite off Frank's finger in hopes that he can attach it to his knub and be whole again. Frank's already lost a tooth so he agreed to do it for a couple cans of food. Blondie says, "No food until I see the hand...that's the deal!" and the dog says, "grr" to show that he's mean and will bite people's fingers off.
What will happen? If Frank lets the dog bite off his finger will the blond guy give him the food like he promised? Or will he run off, leaving Frank fingerless and hungry? Will Frank's severed finger be able to be attached to blond guy's deformed hand?
I'd say keep reading and find out, but since Frank was only in one day's comic I won't be able to continue this storyline unless Rex Morgan MD hires me to write for them.

2005-03-22T17:51:00.000-08:00

Today I Bought Two Things. Both of them were Awesome.

List of Awesome things I bought.

1. Kabbalah Energy Drink

It's basically Red Bull "infused" with Kabbalah water. It's got the same taste as Red Bull, only not as sweet. Red Bull makes it feel like your teeth will rot out if you finish the can, but this doesn't. However, I thought that with the power of Kabbalah water that this energy drink would have a superior, different taste. Basically I was expecting it to taste like Jesus, if Jesus was a flavor. Yes, I realize that Kabbalah probably isn't about Jesus, but since I'm ignorant to their ways (except for the red string and the energy drink) Jesus is what I was expecting and I won't lie to you just to make me look smarter. It would be sweet if they could put "Tastes like Jesus!" on the side of the can though.
This drink should keep Britney happy that she can indulge in a "red bull" and stay cool with Madonna. Now she's just praying (if they do that) for the Kabbalah cheetos. Personally, I won't convert until they put out the Kabbalah Yoo-hoo.
Or those red bracelets made out of licorice instead of string. Kind of like those candy necklaces.

Feel the Power!

Infused is such an edgy word. It made me want to buy this. So I did. Because my will-power is no match for crafty marketing.

2. "The Very Beast of Dio" CD

Realizing that my CD collection contained no Dio, I thought it wise to start with the very best and then slowly work my way to very good and finally to very mediocre.
I didn't even consider that Very Beast would be an option, but I was very pleased to know that it was. After listening to the CD, I'm quite sure very Beast is a higher ranking than very best on a scale of 1 to Awesome. In one song he sings about running on rainbows and slaying dragons. In fact, rainbows come up quite often in Dio, which I didn't really expect but since, have become quite fond of this fact.
What really sold me on the CD, were the songs titles. Titles like "We Rock", "King of Rock and Roll", and "Rock and Roll Children" could not be left on the shelf of my local Best Buy, especially at the low, low price of $9.99. No, they belonged in my CD player, even though before today I couldn't name one Dio song if you asked me to. Once I played it, I found I did recognize one song. It's was "Rainbow in the Dark", oh Dio, you and your crazy rainbows!

That concludes my list of awesome purchases for today.

2005-03-17T17:35:00.000-08:00

Swass Fact #4

The only two people I know of that died and came back to life are Jesus and Nikki Sixx. However, the only one I can truely trust is Nikki Sixx since I have met him and know for a solid fact that he actually lived in the first place.

He did it first...

...but he did it better.

Quick note on the Sixx photo.

2005-03-15T12:45:00.000-08:00

New T-shirt

Here's another one for the y'all courtesy of Randy and Moss.

Latest T-shirt.

2005-03-11T17:12:00.000-08:00

Zombie Affleck shows signs of decomposing.

Zombie Affleck is still out there. He hides it well, but don't be fooled. Much like his film career he should be dead but keeps on going, terrorizing everyone who sees him and feeding on their brains. Lord knows how many others he has infected, but no one is safe. My previous theory that a good make-up artist was covering his decomposition seems to be correct, as I have secured an unreleased photo from FOX's "Celebrities without Make-up" TV show.

The photo even FOX didn't want you to see!

Now will you believe me already! The man is undead and dangerous. It's too late for Jennifer Garner, but it's not too late to safe yourself. So please, if you see Zombie "Ben" Affleck do not try to get a picture taken with him. He will just eat your brains. This is why the new "Project Greenlight" will be about making a horror film. They can easily pass off human brains as a prop, without anyone being the wiser. Except me! Zombie Affleck, I've got your number and I won't stop posting about you until you stop eating brains.

2005-03-09T11:46:00.000-08:00

This could quite possibly be my favorite picture ever.

God's Holy Trousers! This has got to be the greatest home field advantage ever. I have to find out where this stadium is and go watch a game to see how many times a ball is missed due to staring at the gigantic Magnum PI era picture of Tom Selleck on the outfield wall. I can only guess that most of the Brew Crew was unable to break their gaze from his glorious mustache as they lost 18-5. How are you supposed to concentrate on the 90mph fastball coming at you when Tom Selleck is staring deeply into your soul from the outfield wall? Even if I went to the game I don't think I'd be able to follow it because I'd just be starin' at Selleck the whole time.
Add this to my list of thing to do.
Which, if you're wondering what that is, I will now post.

Johnny Awesome's List of Things to Do.
1. Find the Tom Selleck outfield wall.
2. Get Moderatto to play an LA show.
3. Buy Toilet paper.
4. Get a couch.
5. Upset Oprah Winfrey.
6. Get a meatball sandwich for lunch.
7. Watch "America's Next Top Model" and "The Fabulous Life of Motley Crue"

Major props go to my man Jenkins for being able to stop staring at the magnetic Tom Selleck long enough to track down this fly ball. It ain't easy folks, he just makes it look that way.

2005-03-08T18:09:00.000-08:00

A review of my site, from the rappin' black knight.

"Swass is bigger than big, badder than bad, smoother than smooth, and definitely defer than def." - Sir Mix-A-Lot

Straight up yo.
I didn't even make that up.
I did make up the rhymin' headline though. I thought I did pretty good for a guy that normally writes hair metal songs.

2005-03-04T17:41:00.000-08:00

OC, what can I say?

I've decided to pass this Which OC Character Are You Test along to you all so that you can learn something about yourselves, in a way that will make sense to you.

If you get the results back and you don't like it, take the weekend to look inward and see if you can find a way to make yourself more like the character you were hoping you'd be.

Thanks to Megan for the link.

Tell me, who? who? who? Who are you?

2005-02-23T18:25:00.000-08:00

I Have a Dream.

And that dream is to get Moderatto to do a show in Los Angeles.
Why? Well, check out the photos I've posted.
And if that's not enough to convince you to join my cause, go to their website.

My new favorite Spanish band.

It takes off like a rocket!!!

2005-02-23T18:13:00.000-08:00

Best Spanish Music Video I've Ever Seen!

Granted, it's the only Spanish music video I've ever seen but it's still freakin' awesome. My favorite guy is the fatty-fat in the tophat. That dude rocks.
Watch it already!

2005-02-23T13:03:00.000-08:00

Help!

Something went wrong with my store www.randyandmoss.com
If anyone knows how to fix this, let me know!

2005-02-22T10:22:00.000-08:00

New Scandal = New Completely Unrelated T-shirt.

It just got put up on randyandmoss.com

Yep.

2005-02-09T20:00:00.000-08:00

Mustache Brigade Update

I was watching Scrubs last night, and they made not one but two sweet references to mustaches last night. For that, I am giving the writers of the show honorary memberships into The Swass Report Mustache Brigade. Both where in reference to a character named Lonnie and his swass stache. The first time J.D. calls it a Glorious Mustache in his inner dialogue. I applaud this as Glorious is a wonderful adjective for a mustache that I never even considered using, but after hearing it used in that way feel quite stupid for not thinking of it myself. The second reference is when J.D. wants to kiss his date, and realizes that she would totally do it if he had a stache as sweet as Lonnie's. Kudos goes to the writers once again as they realize that women cannot resist the power of a sweet stache. A membership also goes to the guy that played Lonnie. It was a sweet stache indeed, and inspired many men across this great nation to grow a fine mustache. He also probably instilled jealousy in those that cannot grow a mustache, which is a serious condition that plagues many poor souls. They should really talk to a surgeon to see what their options are.
Also, if you have not yet read today's Marmaduke, you are doing yourself a great disservice.

Good work, bro. Way to rock it Selleck style.

2005-02-07T19:05:00.000-08:00

I Raise a Toast to All of Those, Who are Breakin Their Backs Everyday.

And Bret Michaels, you sir, are one of them. I did not realize that you were working so hard. You see folks, it turns out that since Bret left the spandex pants in the closet he's been a regular jack of all trades. He's been producing, directing, acting, and writing to name a few things. He'll also be sitting in as a Judge on Nashville Star.
He's also brought father and son Martin and Charlie Sheen together on the big screen (by which I mean the straight-to video screen) not once, but twice. Now that's an accomplishment. You're probably wondering why I'm telling you this, which is fair. The reason, my dear readers, is to show you that if a diabetic 80's hair metal rockstar can move on and do something successful with his life, then why can't you? So get off your couch, and stop watching "The Surreal Life". Those former big celebrities that find a new career as pathetic former celebrities are keeping you down. They will not inspire you to make yourself better. So come on, and Stand. Stand! Stand for what you believe.
After all, if wanting the good life is such a crime. Lord, then put me away.

More people need to wear fingerless gloves, just for the hell of it.

2005-02-07T18:40:00.000-08:00

Chomp, Chompin' at the bit.
If you've been over to itunes and checked out Beck's new Gameboy inspired EP and thought it was pretty rad, you should check out the band behind the magic: 8-bit. They are robot rappers, and they put on a killer stage show. They are also responsible for producing the sounds you hear on Beck's new EP.

2005-01-25T13:29:00.000-08:00

"The Swass Report Mustache Brigade" gains more clout.

It just keeps getting more powerful each and every day. The latest stellar stache come courtesy of CJ. Welcome to the Brigade my friend. Your official membership card will be emailed to you before the week's end.

We're still looking for new recruits, so if you have a sweet stache email me a picture at JohnnyAwesome1@hotmail.com to become an official member.

I encourage all of you to rate CJ's mustache on a scale of 1 to Awesome.

Costner was obviously quite the mustache mentor.

2005-01-21T13:56:00.000-08:00

Don't Worry, He's in Good Company.

Early this week Defamer brought up a good point regarding Topher Grace (check out the In Good Company part). Not being one to sit on the sidelines and watch others suffer, me and my friend Moss decided to do something. Because sometimes you have to confront a friend before they admit they have a problem.

Check it out at randyandmoss.com

Someone should tell him that "That 70's Show" isn't referring to a desired weight.

2005-01-19T18:28:00.000-08:00

Choose Your Own Rex Morgan MD Adventure!

I've taken to using my favorite frames from Rex Morgan MD, and mixing them together to make my own comic. In this one the blonde lady invites people over for pot pies. Probably chicken ones. Daddy must have some kind of pot pie sixth sense because as soon as he hears about it, he's home like that. Even though it's the middle of the day and he's supposed to be at the office. That's how much he likes his pot pies. And he makes sure that everyone knows he's arrived. Daddy likes to make his presence known. And then the brunette lady interrupts Daddy to make an inside joke pertaining to Daddy's supposed sixth sense for pot pies. Hopefully for the ladies they made Chicken pot pies because those are the only kind that Daddy likey.

I'm going to take all three of these frames and make huge posters out of them to put up around the apartment.

2005-01-18T13:22:00.000-08:00

Best Show Ever!
I went to the Tenacious D and Friends Tsunami Relief Benefit concert last night.

The night opened with Will Ferrell coming out to get the crowd worked up. The pit immediately started chanting "Frank the Tank" All Will had to say about that was, "Ok, we get it." Then he proceeded to tell us that the one guarantee we could expect from the night was live music, no Ashlee Simpson stuff. He then admitted that he was talked into performing a song, and being a Coldplay fan he had been working on one of theirs to sing for us. He then proceeded to lip-synch the hell out of some Coldplay song.

Ferrell welcomes the crowd.

Then the D came out and talked with a red-cross employee about the benefit, which was both informative and hilarious as JB was asking the questions.

JB asking some awesome questions.

The first artist to come out was Josh Homme of Queens of the Stone Age. He played about 4 songs, two of which were new and Dave Grohl jammed with him on the last song of his set.

Dave Grohl and Josh Homme jamming.

Next up was Eddie Vedder. Vedder was amazing. He played I am Mine, Trouble, Last Kiss, and then KG came out to play You've Got to Hide Your Love Away with him.

Vedder belting out some Zepplin.

At this point Chris Rock came out as a surprise to everyone, to fill the time inbetween sets. That man is funny.

Chris Rock was the only one not to rock (musically) last night, but he was hilarious.

Dave Grohl came out next. He started his set with a new song. Then he played Everlong, and two other songs that I'm blanking on right now. I don't carry a pen and paper to these things.
Beck was next. He played Lost Cause as the second song of his set and about thirty seconds into it, Will Ferrell comes out in a bright red unitard and starts doing some interpretive dance moves. Beck stops playing and asks Ferrell what he's doing. Will tells him that he was just hanging out backstage in his unitard and was so moved by the song that he needed to dance. Beck tells him that it's cool to dance as long as he does it by the very side of the stage. So Will goes to the side of the stage and Beck restarts the song and Ferrell restarts dancing. It doesn't take long for Will to work his way back over to Beck. Beck tells Will to give him some space, so Will dances over to Becks pump organ and starts gently humping it. Let me tell you, Will Ferrell + Red Unitard = Hilarity. Beck plays two more songs without any interruptions and then Tenacious D takes the stage.

Like Sting, Beck says "Don't stand so close to me." to Will Ferrell and his unitard.

The whole night was acoustic and all the other bands played mellower stuff, so when the D came on anyone who didn't holster their socks up probably lost them. Cause the D rocked. Hard. They played all the old favorites and two new songs from their upcoming movie, Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny. If the songs are any indication on how good this movie is going to be, I'll probably end up seeing it in the theater 4 or 5 times. They also played a sweet as Al's stache melody of song's from the Who's Tommy.

The D! Moving so fast they're blurry!

At the end of their set, Jack Black had a dream. That they could get all of these musicians on stage at once to form some sort of supergroup. And on that note, the curtain raised revealing Grohl behind a drum set and the rest of the musicians harnessing guitars. Vedder and Black traded off lead vocals as the sang Time transitioned into Zepplin's Good Times, Bad Times and then back into Time. Oh, and Will Ferrell was out there playing the cowbell. And with that, the Greatest Show Ever came to an end.

JB's dream comes true.

Then in the parking lot my friends and I ran into the Foo Fighter's drummer and had a little chat with him, and scored some free swag from radio stations.

Photographs courtesy of Lontih who was right up front.

2005-01-17T17:18:00.000-08:00

Sweetest Stache Winner!

The honor of sweetest stache goes to Al! Good work my friend. You'll will be recieving your official membership card for the "Swass Report Mustache Brigade" through email later in the week. Also, you and your stache have won the award of being featured in a short comic strip that I will create personally and post on the site.
For the rest of you, it's not too late to send in pictures of your mustaches to get your official membership cards. Email them to JohnnyAwesome1@hotmail.com
Now bask in the splendor of Al's sweet stache.

Sweet Stache Al. You are an inspiration to us all.

2005-01-14T18:11:00.000-08:00

Mustaches Interrupted!

If you didn't see today's Rex Morgan MD, go there now!
It is amazing beyond belief. Don't believe me? Check out the picture. I've drawn a mustache on him to honor Mustache week here at the Swass Report, so it's not completely un-mustache related. While this frame would be much more awe-inspiring if it ended with an exclamation point instead of an ellipsis, it is explained if you check out the strip. Let me just say that Daddy's not the only one that's home.

Also, I will be making the official "Swass Report Mustache Brigade" membership cards this weekend. Be sure to grow a mustache and email me a picture of it (JohnnyAwesome1@hotmail.com) to receive your official membership card, with your name on it! Keep it in your wallet to randomly take out and impress people.

Pure genius!

2005-01-13T18:12:00.000-08:00

Moustache or Mustache?

I prefer the latter, as it implies that it is a necessity. Which it is if you wish to be a card carrying member of the "Swass Report's Mustache Brigade".
There are some people I have been disappointed not to hear from yet. Is the wife/girlfriend nagging at you? Telling you not to do it? Well, if you're not man enough to just straight up tell her that it's your face and you'll shave it how you please (I mean you never tell her that she can't shave a lighting bolt on her leg, do you?), then perhaps you can convince her that a mustache is a better choice than a cat. Or maybe you're convinced that only evil people wear mustaches. Well that's obviously not the case as proven by Mustaches for Kids (thanks for the find Al).
So now that you've got no more excuses, start growing that sweet stache!

Chris Noth: not in the "Swass Report's Mustache Brigade" yet, but he's working on it.

2005-01-12T14:24:00.000-08:00

Mustache Mentors

While I could keep posting inspirational pictures of people with awesome mustaches, I'm going to encourage you all to find a Mustache Mentor. Someone that has a sweet stache that can encourage you with anecdotes about their stache experiences or advice on growing and maintaining your mustache. Or just to keep you on pace. I suggest selecting someone that lives close to you, as they will be the most helpful. If you don't know anyone that lives close to you with a sweet stache just walk over to your local police department or fire station. They will be in abundance. Don't be intimidated by them though, it's just the mustache that makes you quake. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, you could always opt for a Mustache Role Model. Someone that you can look up to, but probably never get in touch with (however, once you grow a sweet stache and become a card carrying member of "The Swass Report's Mustache Brigade" the chances of meeting fellow members is quite good.) Here are some suggestions for your Mustache Role Model.

My Mustache Mentor is Tom Selleck.

Write in a comment and let me know who your Mustache Mentor and/or Role Model is!

Don't forget to email me (JohnnyAwesome1@hotmail.com) pictures of your sweet stache to become an official "Swass Report Mustache Brigade" card carrying member.

When I feel like I just can't go on growin' a sweet stache, Magnum P.I. is there to remind me that I can (and should) do it.

2005-01-11T13:53:00.000-08:00

Mustaches: Day 2

So how's everyone's mustaches coming along? As inspiration, I've posted a photo of Sam Rockwell with a swass stache. He was obviously influenced by "Safe Men" co-star Mark Ruffalo, in hopes of receiving a passing "sweet stache" comment. Well, Mr. Rockwell, to you I say "sweet stache".

If you need some help deciding what kind of mustache would suit you best, go here.

Or in case you're wondering if growing a mustache conflicts with your social and religious morals, go here.

Sam Rockwell proudly sports a sweet stache at his induction to "The Swass Report's Mustache Brigade".

2005-01-10T17:01:00.000-08:00

This Week's Focus: Mustaches!

All this week I will be focusing on the splendor of the mustache. And to kick things off I've included this picture of William H. Macy and some old guy that I shall call "the coronal". Macy's sporting a sweet stache that would make most cops jealous, and the coronal is sporting a pretty stokin' stache himself. They are the first members of "The Swass Report's Mustache Brigade"! I'm encouraging you all to grow a mustache this week and become a member of the Mustache Brigade. All you have to do is send me a picture proving that you have a sweet stache, and I will send you an official email to induct you into the Brigade. Happy stache growing! And I don't want any wimpy excuses like,"but my wife/girlfriend doesn't like it." Boo-hoo, you'll get no sympathy from the Mustache Brigade, as it will consist of real men who aren't afraid to grow unfashionable facial hair.
Whoever grows the sweetest stache shall get to be in a three panel cartoon that I draw.

You can send your submissions to JohnnyAwesome1@hotmail.com

We want you to join us in the Mustache Brigade!

2005-01-10T15:12:00.000-08:00

For those of you back in the Wis.

An appropriate game for all you 'Sconys.

2005-01-07T10:07:00.000-08:00

Like Milli Vanilli, I shall Blame it on the Rain.

Because that's all it's been doing out here lately, and it seems to make everyone stupid. Henceforth, I could totally get away with a bunch of crap simply by blaming it on the rain. For example, there's another onion bagel mixed in with the rest of them today. I could open the window to get the pungent onion smell out of the kitchen and the bagels would all get soggy and someone would slip on the wet floor while holding a knife they were going to use to cut a bagel and accidentally stab the idiot that bought onion bagels in the first place. And who would be at fault? No one. The rain caused it.

2005-01-05T19:09:00.000-08:00

2005 Shall be the Year of the Gutte!

While 2004 was a strong year for the Gutte, I believe that 2005 will be his year. While Marmaduke is still solid, I don't think this is his break out year. He just doesn't have the momentum yet. He had it back in 2003, but it went to waste as he spent most of his time chewing on things instead of getting his face in the tabliods. As for Rex Morgan, he's taken a darker turn. While an elderly child abuser storyline is fresh, it doesn't have that uplifting spirit most people would like to start the new year out with.

So that leaves us with The Gutte.

Things built up for the Gutte at the end of the year. His Christmas TV Movie "Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus" was placed on US Weekly's "Must List" along with a dandy little picture of the Gutte in the corner, "Guttenberg" the t-shirt reached Great Britian, and the first "National Steve Guttenberg Day" ever took place. I predict that this year's "National Steve Guttenberg Day" will be huge. There may even be a parade, preferrably in the Pacific Palisades since he is its Honorary Mayor. As such he could probably make "N.S.G.D" official in that city. Keep your eyes peeled for the Gutte in the TV mini-series "The Poseidon Adventure" in 2005. And to all you Gutten-haters out there, beware! There is a young generation of Gutten-fans that are rearing their heads over the horizon, as The Gutte has helped a tremendous amount of kids with the Guttenhouse. I'm sure their love for the Gutte shall strike you haters down.
To prepare for the Year of the Gutte, check out these questions he answered to learn more about the man.

His future's so bright, he's gotta wear shades.

Apparently my computer decided it wanted to see what the Gutte would look like if he was blue. Well, this is what he looks like blue. I call him Gutten Smurf.

2005-01-05T16:10:00.000-08:00

The Misplaced Christmas Call.

So Christmas morning I decide to give CJ a good old phashioned phone callin'.
The following is pretty much what happened:

guy on phone: What up dude!
Me: Hey, what's goin' on.
guy on phone: Not much.
Me: Merry freakin' Christmas yo!
guy on phone: Merry Christmas. So who is this?
Me: Johnny.
guy on phone: Johnny?....
Me: From California. Who's this?
guy on phone: TJ. Who are you looking for?
Me: CJ.
guy on phone: That's me!
Me: No, C like in Christopher.
guy on phone: Oh, I'm T like in tard. But I have been getting a lot of calls for a CJ.
Me: Good for you slugger. Merry Christmas.
guy on phone: Happy Holidays.

Then I hung up and called Al to 1. talk to him and wish him a Merry Christmas, and 2. To get CJ's number. However I got Al's voicemail, so only objective #1 was completed. Then I reheated some Taco Bell for a delicious Christmas dinner. So CJ, call me and get me your new number.

2005-01-05T09:39:00.000-08:00

I'm in a Bad Mood this Morning

Why? Because someone keeps putting onion bagels in with the rest of the bagels. Henceforth, making all of the bagels taste like onions. My blueberry bagel should never taste like onions. But it did, and now I'm upset. If I find out who's responsible for this, they will pay.

Stay tuned and when I have time, I'll tell you a tale of how I tried to call CJ on Christmas and failed.

2004-12-23T18:03:00.000-08:00

Avast Ye, Scurvy Knaves!

I just read the greatest pirate book in the entire world. It's titled "The Pirates! In an adventure with Scientists." I would link to it, but I'm using my Mac and blogger hates my Mac. And if pirates aren't your thing it also involves Darwin. (Stew, I'm looking in your direction) And as a further sell to those of you that had chosen "real" majors in college, they also make reference to osmium during a climatic fight scene. It's also a very short and very fast read, so you won't strain yourself. I'd tell you more, but I don't want to ruin it all. So you'll just have to trust me.

Normally I'd put a picture here, but blogger hates letting me do that on my Mac too, so you'll just have to close your eyes and imagine an extremely hilarous pirate picture in your mind. (or a Darwin one, if you're more inclined... or better yet, one of Darwin dressed as a pirate, or one as a pirate dressed as Darwin. But you could also imagine a picture of a purple brontosaurus befriending a drunken Koala if you like. Basically, anything's okay as long as you also imagine a clever saying beneath it. I don't want to limit you.)

2004-12-17T17:40:00.000-08:00

Bringin' it Back from long ago

Quite some time ago, I told y'all about some bands that you should check out so that you could say you liked them before everyone else. One of these bands was the Roughstars. Well, they just made a music video for their song "Letter in Blue". Check it out. You'd better find their album now if you want to be ahead of your neighborhood hipsters. You should also keep drinking your Yoo-hoo if you want to be cool before cool's cool, if you know what I mean. Another solid reason to go to this site is that it also has some of Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter's "Stella" skits. And the Fensler G.I. Joe "the more you know" cartoons.