Thursday, July 29, 2004

Your newest local Kabbalah Centers: Target(expensive and questionable) and The Swass Report (cheap and knows real Jewish people and can prove it).

That's right my friends, the hip answer to Wal-mart is know selling packages of "special" red string for you to make your Kabbalah bracelets to ward off the evil eye. This "special" string has been to Israel and taken to a "special" tomb, and then Target lets you buy it for $26. That's way cheaper than a plane ticket to Israel. However, if you don't have $26 for some red thread, I'm offering my services. For just $7, I'll will have the Hoj cut a piece of red thread and tie it for you. He's the most Jewish person I know, and the law of transient properties tells me that if he's Jewish, he must know someone that's been to this tomb in Israel, therefore the Hoj has been to this tomb as well, and henceforth so has your string. It holds up in my book, which is not the torah by and by (which is really more of a scroll than book anyway). With your new Kaballah string you will also receive a certificate of Jewthenticity, signed by the Hoj himself and stamped as Jewthentic by yours truly. Target won't offer you this service. You just have to take their word for it, and chances are in was made in a sweatshop in Mexico City. Is that a risk your willing to chance $26 bucks on? I don't think so. You'll be getting the evil eye all over the place, and you'll be out $26. At least if any evil eyes get through with our string on, you can just whip out the certificate of Jewthenticity to prove to them that it is indeed real, and that they should retract the evil glare they previously gave you.


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