Monday, March 28, 2005

Who made Steve Guttenberg a Star?

Who would have thought that the Guttenberg shirt would be the best seller?
I went to a Motley Crue show last week and it was awesome. I'll put a post up about it later. Until then, I've pasted together some of my favorite frames from Rex Morgan MD to create my very own storyline. I think the picture's too small to read, so I'll explain it to you.

If I was in charge of Rex Morgan MD, it'd be the best comic ever. Posted by Hello

So Frank (he's the one in the hat that says "FRANK") says,"Hey, No fence, no cents... That's my motto!" Now you can tell that Frank is a little retarded because he's missing a tooth and wears a trucker hat that has his name on it, so you can understand why the blond guy in the hoodie is trying to hold his laughter in. It's hard to keep a straight face, when a guy like Frank is giving you life mottos.
Now Frank is smart enough to know that the blond guy is snickering at him so he says, "No, I'm as serious as a tax collector!" Frank is quite pleased with this comment and is sure that he got the point of his motto across. This would be easier to tell if he wasn't off-frame in this picture. But the blond guy, having put up with Frank's nonsense long enough, snaps back with a sarcastic, "And I'm going to be famous!" But since he threw off his hoodie while saying this, Frank believes that blond guy will be famous since he has long blond hair like a young Brad Pitt. But we all know he'll never be famous since his index finger has been cut off at the knuckle, leaving a very unattractive knub. It's because he only has a knub of a finger that blondie wants to see Frank's hand. He's going to have his very mean dog bite off Frank's finger in hopes that he can attach it to his knub and be whole again. Frank's already lost a tooth so he agreed to do it for a couple cans of food. Blondie says, "No food until I see the hand...that's the deal!" and the dog says, "grr" to show that he's mean and will bite people's fingers off.
What will happen? If Frank lets the dog bite off his finger will the blond guy give him the food like he promised? Or will he run off, leaving Frank fingerless and hungry? Will Frank's severed finger be able to be attached to blond guy's deformed hand?
I'd say keep reading and find out, but since Frank was only in one day's comic I won't be able to continue this storyline unless Rex Morgan MD hires me to write for them.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Today I Bought Two Things. Both of them were Awesome.

List of Awesome things I bought.

1. Kabbalah Energy Drink

It's basically Red Bull "infused" with Kabbalah water. It's got the same taste as Red Bull, only not as sweet. Red Bull makes it feel like your teeth will rot out if you finish the can, but this doesn't. However, I thought that with the power of Kabbalah water that this energy drink would have a superior, different taste. Basically I was expecting it to taste like Jesus, if Jesus was a flavor. Yes, I realize that Kabbalah probably isn't about Jesus, but since I'm ignorant to their ways (except for the red string and the energy drink) Jesus is what I was expecting and I won't lie to you just to make me look smarter. It would be sweet if they could put "Tastes like Jesus!" on the side of the can though.
This drink should keep Britney happy that she can indulge in a "red bull" and stay cool with Madonna. Now she's just praying (if they do that) for the Kabbalah cheetos. Personally, I won't convert until they put out the Kabbalah Yoo-hoo.
Or those red bracelets made out of licorice instead of string. Kind of like those candy necklaces.

Feel the Power! Posted by Hello

Infused is such an edgy word. It made me want to buy this. So I did. Because my will-power is no match for crafty marketing. Posted by Hello

2. "The Very Beast of Dio" CD

Realizing that my CD collection contained no Dio, I thought it wise to start with the very best and then slowly work my way to very good and finally to very mediocre.
I didn't even consider that Very Beast would be an option, but I was very pleased to know that it was. After listening to the CD, I'm quite sure very Beast is a higher ranking than very best on a scale of 1 to Awesome. In one song he sings about running on rainbows and slaying dragons. In fact, rainbows come up quite often in Dio, which I didn't really expect but since, have become quite fond of this fact.
What really sold me on the CD, were the songs titles. Titles like "We Rock", "King of Rock and Roll", and "Rock and Roll Children" could not be left on the shelf of my local Best Buy, especially at the low, low price of $9.99. No, they belonged in my CD player, even though before today I couldn't name one Dio song if you asked me to. Once I played it, I found I did recognize one song. It's was "Rainbow in the Dark", oh Dio, you and your crazy rainbows!

That concludes my list of awesome purchases for today.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Swass Fact #4

The only two people I know of that died and came back to life are Jesus and Nikki Sixx. However, the only one I can truely trust is Nikki Sixx since I have met him and know for a solid fact that he actually lived in the first place.

He did it first... Posted by Hello

...but he did it better. Posted by Hello

Quick note on the Sixx photo.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

New T-shirt

Here's another one for the y'all courtesy of Randy and Moss.

Latest T-shirt. Posted by Hello

Friday, March 11, 2005

Zombie Affleck shows signs of decomposing.

Zombie Affleck is still out there. He hides it well, but don't be fooled. Much like his film career he should be dead but keeps on going, terrorizing everyone who sees him and feeding on their brains. Lord knows how many others he has infected, but no one is safe. My previous theory that a good make-up artist was covering his decomposition seems to be correct, as I have secured an unreleased photo from FOX's "Celebrities without Make-up" TV show.

The photo even FOX didn't want you to see! Posted by Hello

Now will you believe me already! The man is undead and dangerous. It's too late for Jennifer Garner, but it's not too late to safe yourself. So please, if you see Zombie "Ben" Affleck do not try to get a picture taken with him. He will just eat your brains. This is why the new "Project Greenlight" will be about making a horror film. They can easily pass off human brains as a prop, without anyone being the wiser. Except me! Zombie Affleck, I've got your number and I won't stop posting about you until you stop eating brains.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

This could quite possibly be my favorite picture ever.

God's Holy Trousers! This has got to be the greatest home field advantage ever. I have to find out where this stadium is and go watch a game to see how many times a ball is missed due to staring at the gigantic Magnum PI era picture of Tom Selleck on the outfield wall. I can only guess that most of the Brew Crew was unable to break their gaze from his glorious mustache as they lost 18-5. How are you supposed to concentrate on the 90mph fastball coming at you when Tom Selleck is staring deeply into your soul from the outfield wall? Even if I went to the game I don't think I'd be able to follow it because I'd just be starin' at Selleck the whole time.
Add this to my list of thing to do.
Which, if you're wondering what that is, I will now post.

Johnny Awesome's List of Things to Do.
1. Find the Tom Selleck outfield wall.
2. Get Moderatto to play an LA show.
3. Buy Toilet paper.
4. Get a couch.
5. Upset Oprah Winfrey.
6. Get a meatball sandwich for lunch.
7. Watch "America's Next Top Model" and "The Fabulous Life of Motley Crue"

Major props go to my man Jenkins for being able to stop staring at the magnetic Tom Selleck long enough to track down this fly ball. It ain't easy folks, he just makes it look that way. Posted by Hello

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

A review of my site, from the rappin' black knight.

"Swass is bigger than big, badder than bad, smoother than smooth, and definitely defer than def." - Sir Mix-A-Lot

Straight up yo.
I didn't even make that up.
I did make up the rhymin' headline though. I thought I did pretty good for a guy that normally writes hair metal songs.

Friday, March 04, 2005

OC, what can I say?

I've decided to pass this Which OC Character Are You Test along to you all so that you can learn something about yourselves, in a way that will make sense to you.

If you get the results back and you don't like it, take the weekend to look inward and see if you can find a way to make yourself more like the character you were hoping you'd be.

Thanks to Megan for the link.

Tell me, who? who? who? Who are you? Posted by Hello