Tuesday, January 25, 2005

"The Swass Report Mustache Brigade" gains more clout.

It just keeps getting more powerful each and every day. The latest stellar stache come courtesy of CJ. Welcome to the Brigade my friend. Your official membership card will be emailed to you before the week's end.

We're still looking for new recruits, so if you have a sweet stache email me a picture at JohnnyAwesome1@hotmail.com to become an official member.

I encourage all of you to rate CJ's mustache on a scale of 1 to Awesome.

Costner was obviously quite the mustache mentor. Posted by Hello

Friday, January 21, 2005

Don't Worry, He's in Good Company.

Early this week Defamer brought up a good point regarding Topher Grace (check out the In Good Company part). Not being one to sit on the sidelines and watch others suffer, me and my friend Moss decided to do something. Because sometimes you have to confront a friend before they admit they have a problem.

Check it out at randyandmoss.com

Someone should tell him that "That 70's Show" isn't referring to a desired weight. Posted by Hello

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Choose Your Own Rex Morgan MD Adventure!

I've taken to using my favorite frames from Rex Morgan MD, and mixing them together to make my own comic. In this one the blonde lady invites people over for pot pies. Probably chicken ones. Daddy must have some kind of pot pie sixth sense because as soon as he hears about it, he's home like that. Even though it's the middle of the day and he's supposed to be at the office. That's how much he likes his pot pies. And he makes sure that everyone knows he's arrived. Daddy likes to make his presence known. And then the brunette lady interrupts Daddy to make an inside joke pertaining to Daddy's supposed sixth sense for pot pies. Hopefully for the ladies they made Chicken pot pies because those are the only kind that Daddy likey.

I'm going to take all three of these frames and make huge posters out of them to put up around the apartment. Posted by Hello

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Best Show Ever!
I went to the Tenacious D and Friends Tsunami Relief Benefit concert last night.

The night opened with Will Ferrell coming out to get the crowd worked up. The pit immediately started chanting "Frank the Tank" All Will had to say about that was, "Ok, we get it." Then he proceeded to tell us that the one guarantee we could expect from the night was live music, no Ashlee Simpson stuff. He then admitted that he was talked into performing a song, and being a Coldplay fan he had been working on one of theirs to sing for us. He then proceeded to lip-synch the hell out of some Coldplay song.

Ferrell welcomes the crowd. Posted by Hello

Then the D came out and talked with a red-cross employee about the benefit, which was both informative and hilarious as JB was asking the questions.

JB asking some awesome questions. Posted by Hello

The first artist to come out was Josh Homme of Queens of the Stone Age. He played about 4 songs, two of which were new and Dave Grohl jammed with him on the last song of his set.

Dave Grohl and Josh Homme jamming. Posted by Hello

Next up was Eddie Vedder. Vedder was amazing. He played I am Mine, Trouble, Last Kiss, and then KG came out to play You've Got to Hide Your Love Away with him.

Vedder belting out some Zepplin. Posted by Hello

At this point Chris Rock came out as a surprise to everyone, to fill the time inbetween sets. That man is funny.

Chris Rock was the only one not to rock (musically) last night, but he was hilarious.  Posted by Hello

Dave Grohl came out next. He started his set with a new song. Then he played Everlong, and two other songs that I'm blanking on right now. I don't carry a pen and paper to these things.
Beck was next. He played Lost Cause as the second song of his set and about thirty seconds into it, Will Ferrell comes out in a bright red unitard and starts doing some interpretive dance moves. Beck stops playing and asks Ferrell what he's doing. Will tells him that he was just hanging out backstage in his unitard and was so moved by the song that he needed to dance. Beck tells him that it's cool to dance as long as he does it by the very side of the stage. So Will goes to the side of the stage and Beck restarts the song and Ferrell restarts dancing. It doesn't take long for Will to work his way back over to Beck. Beck tells Will to give him some space, so Will dances over to Becks pump organ and starts gently humping it. Let me tell you, Will Ferrell + Red Unitard = Hilarity. Beck plays two more songs without any interruptions and then Tenacious D takes the stage.

Like Sting, Beck says "Don't stand so close to me." to Will Ferrell and his unitard. Posted by Hello

The whole night was acoustic and all the other bands played mellower stuff, so when the D came on anyone who didn't holster their socks up probably lost them. Cause the D rocked. Hard. They played all the old favorites and two new songs from their upcoming movie, Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny. If the songs are any indication on how good this movie is going to be, I'll probably end up seeing it in the theater 4 or 5 times. They also played a sweet as Al's stache melody of song's from the Who's Tommy.

The D! Moving so fast they're blurry! Posted by Hello

At the end of their set, Jack Black had a dream. That they could get all of these musicians on stage at once to form some sort of supergroup. And on that note, the curtain raised revealing Grohl behind a drum set and the rest of the musicians harnessing guitars. Vedder and Black traded off lead vocals as the sang Time transitioned into Zepplin's Good Times, Bad Times and then back into Time. Oh, and Will Ferrell was out there playing the cowbell. And with that, the Greatest Show Ever came to an end.

JB's dream comes true. Posted by Hello

Then in the parking lot my friends and I ran into the Foo Fighter's drummer and had a little chat with him, and scored some free swag from radio stations.

Photographs courtesy of Lontih who was right up front.

Monday, January 17, 2005

Sweetest Stache Winner!

The honor of sweetest stache goes to Al! Good work my friend. You'll will be recieving your official membership card for the "Swass Report Mustache Brigade" through email later in the week. Also, you and your stache have won the award of being featured in a short comic strip that I will create personally and post on the site.
For the rest of you, it's not too late to send in pictures of your mustaches to get your official membership cards. Email them to JohnnyAwesome1@hotmail.com
Now bask in the splendor of Al's sweet stache.

Sweet Stache Al. You are an inspiration to us all. Posted by Hello

Friday, January 14, 2005

Mustaches Interrupted!

If you didn't see today's Rex Morgan MD, go there now!
It is amazing beyond belief. Don't believe me? Check out the picture. I've drawn a mustache on him to honor Mustache week here at the Swass Report, so it's not completely un-mustache related. While this frame would be much more awe-inspiring if it ended with an exclamation point instead of an ellipsis, it is explained if you check out the strip. Let me just say that Daddy's not the only one that's home.

Also, I will be making the official "Swass Report Mustache Brigade" membership cards this weekend. Be sure to grow a mustache and email me a picture of it (JohnnyAwesome1@hotmail.com) to receive your official membership card, with your name on it! Keep it in your wallet to randomly take out and impress people.

Pure genius! Posted by Hello

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Moustache or Mustache?

I prefer the latter, as it implies that it is a necessity. Which it is if you wish to be a card carrying member of the "Swass Report's Mustache Brigade".
There are some people I have been disappointed not to hear from yet. Is the wife/girlfriend nagging at you? Telling you not to do it? Well, if you're not man enough to just straight up tell her that it's your face and you'll shave it how you please (I mean you never tell her that she can't shave a lighting bolt on her leg, do you?), then perhaps you can convince her that a mustache is a better choice than a cat. Or maybe you're convinced that only evil people wear mustaches. Well that's obviously not the case as proven by Mustaches for Kids (thanks for the find Al).
So now that you've got no more excuses, start growing that sweet stache!

Chris Noth: not in the "Swass Report's Mustache Brigade" yet, but he's working on it. Posted by Hello

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Mustache Mentors

While I could keep posting inspirational pictures of people with awesome mustaches, I'm going to encourage you all to find a Mustache Mentor. Someone that has a sweet stache that can encourage you with anecdotes about their stache experiences or advice on growing and maintaining your mustache. Or just to keep you on pace. I suggest selecting someone that lives close to you, as they will be the most helpful. If you don't know anyone that lives close to you with a sweet stache just walk over to your local police department or fire station. They will be in abundance. Don't be intimidated by them though, it's just the mustache that makes you quake. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, you could always opt for a Mustache Role Model. Someone that you can look up to, but probably never get in touch with (however, once you grow a sweet stache and become a card carrying member of "The Swass Report's Mustache Brigade" the chances of meeting fellow members is quite good.) Here are some suggestions for your Mustache Role Model.

My Mustache Mentor is Tom Selleck.

Write in a comment and let me know who your Mustache Mentor and/or Role Model is!

Don't forget to email me (JohnnyAwesome1@hotmail.com) pictures of your sweet stache to become an official "Swass Report Mustache Brigade" card carrying member.

When I feel like I just can't go on growin' a sweet stache, Magnum P.I. is there to remind me that I can (and should) do it. Posted by Hello

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Mustaches: Day 2

So how's everyone's mustaches coming along? As inspiration, I've posted a photo of Sam Rockwell with a swass stache. He was obviously influenced by "Safe Men" co-star Mark Ruffalo, in hopes of receiving a passing "sweet stache" comment. Well, Mr. Rockwell, to you I say "sweet stache".

If you need some help deciding what kind of mustache would suit you best, go here.

Or in case you're wondering if growing a mustache conflicts with your social and religious morals, go here.

Sam Rockwell proudly sports a sweet stache at his induction to "The Swass Report's Mustache Brigade". Posted by Hello

Monday, January 10, 2005

This Week's Focus: Mustaches!

All this week I will be focusing on the splendor of the mustache. And to kick things off I've included this picture of William H. Macy and some old guy that I shall call "the coronal". Macy's sporting a sweet stache that would make most cops jealous, and the coronal is sporting a pretty stokin' stache himself. They are the first members of "The Swass Report's Mustache Brigade"! I'm encouraging you all to grow a mustache this week and become a member of the Mustache Brigade. All you have to do is send me a picture proving that you have a sweet stache, and I will send you an official email to induct you into the Brigade. Happy stache growing! And I don't want any wimpy excuses like,"but my wife/girlfriend doesn't like it." Boo-hoo, you'll get no sympathy from the Mustache Brigade, as it will consist of real men who aren't afraid to grow unfashionable facial hair.
Whoever grows the sweetest stache shall get to be in a three panel cartoon that I draw.

You can send your submissions to JohnnyAwesome1@hotmail.com

We want you to join us in the Mustache Brigade! Posted by Hello

For those of you back in the Wis.

An appropriate game for all you 'Sconys.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Like Milli Vanilli, I shall Blame it on the Rain.

Because that's all it's been doing out here lately, and it seems to make everyone stupid. Henceforth, I could totally get away with a bunch of crap simply by blaming it on the rain. For example, there's another onion bagel mixed in with the rest of them today. I could open the window to get the pungent onion smell out of the kitchen and the bagels would all get soggy and someone would slip on the wet floor while holding a knife they were going to use to cut a bagel and accidentally stab the idiot that bought onion bagels in the first place. And who would be at fault? No one. The rain caused it.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

2005 Shall be the Year of the Gutte!

While 2004 was a strong year for the Gutte, I believe that 2005 will be his year. While Marmaduke is still solid, I don't think this is his break out year. He just doesn't have the momentum yet. He had it back in 2003, but it went to waste as he spent most of his time chewing on things instead of getting his face in the tabliods. As for Rex Morgan, he's taken a darker turn. While an elderly child abuser storyline is fresh, it doesn't have that uplifting spirit most people would like to start the new year out with.

So that leaves us with The Gutte.

Things built up for the Gutte at the end of the year. His Christmas TV Movie "Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus" was placed on US Weekly's "Must List" along with a dandy little picture of the Gutte in the corner, "Guttenberg" the t-shirt reached Great Britian, and the first "National Steve Guttenberg Day" ever took place. I predict that this year's "National Steve Guttenberg Day" will be huge. There may even be a parade, preferrably in the Pacific Palisades since he is its Honorary Mayor. As such he could probably make "N.S.G.D" official in that city. Keep your eyes peeled for the Gutte in the TV mini-series "The Poseidon Adventure" in 2005. And to all you Gutten-haters out there, beware! There is a young generation of Gutten-fans that are rearing their heads over the horizon, as The Gutte has helped a tremendous amount of kids with the Guttenhouse. I'm sure their love for the Gutte shall strike you haters down.
To prepare for the Year of the Gutte, check out these questions he answered to learn more about the man.

His future's so bright, he's gotta wear shades. Posted by Hello

Apparently my computer decided it wanted to see what the Gutte would look like if he was blue. Well, this is what he looks like blue. I call him Gutten Smurf.

The Misplaced Christmas Call.

So Christmas morning I decide to give CJ a good old phashioned phone callin'.
The following is pretty much what happened:

guy on phone: What up dude!
Me: Hey, what's goin' on.
guy on phone: Not much.
Me: Merry freakin' Christmas yo!
guy on phone: Merry Christmas. So who is this?
Me: Johnny.
guy on phone: Johnny?....
Me: From California. Who's this?
guy on phone: TJ. Who are you looking for?
Me: CJ.
guy on phone: That's me!
Me: No, C like in Christopher.
guy on phone: Oh, I'm T like in tard. But I have been getting a lot of calls for a CJ.
Me: Good for you slugger. Merry Christmas.
guy on phone: Happy Holidays.

Then I hung up and called Al to 1. talk to him and wish him a Merry Christmas, and 2. To get CJ's number. However I got Al's voicemail, so only objective #1 was completed. Then I reheated some Taco Bell for a delicious Christmas dinner. So CJ, call me and get me your new number.

I'm in a Bad Mood this Morning

Why? Because someone keeps putting onion bagels in with the rest of the bagels. Henceforth, making all of the bagels taste like onions. My blueberry bagel should never taste like onions. But it did, and now I'm upset. If I find out who's responsible for this, they will pay.

Stay tuned and when I have time, I'll tell you a tale of how I tried to call CJ on Christmas and failed.