Friday, July 30, 2004

Sir Chugs-A-Lot Scandal Revealed!

I have it from a top-level Swass Report Informant that Sir Chugs-A-Lot should really be called Sir Nurses-it. Turns out his chugging abilities are a sham. A facade if you will. Word on the street is good ol' Chugsy drinks out of those little stirring straws because he doesn't trust the glasses to be clean. Well I got news for you Miss Sippy, those straws are about as clean as Courtney Love.
Yes, Sir Poser, what do you think of that?
Better bust out the aloe, cause you just got burnt!
High Five!

Thursday, July 29, 2004

My Gutte-ness!

Someone realized that the power of the Gutte is too much to be contained.
Police Academy 8 has been announced, with none other than the Big G himself reprising the role of Sgt. Carey Mahoney!
Oh man, this is awesome.
I wonder if Bobcat will come back as Zed.

Your newest local Kabbalah Centers: Target(expensive and questionable) and The Swass Report (cheap and knows real Jewish people and can prove it).

That's right my friends, the hip answer to Wal-mart is know selling packages of "special" red string for you to make your Kabbalah bracelets to ward off the evil eye. This "special" string has been to Israel and taken to a "special" tomb, and then Target lets you buy it for $26. That's way cheaper than a plane ticket to Israel. However, if you don't have $26 for some red thread, I'm offering my services. For just $7, I'll will have the Hoj cut a piece of red thread and tie it for you. He's the most Jewish person I know, and the law of transient properties tells me that if he's Jewish, he must know someone that's been to this tomb in Israel, therefore the Hoj has been to this tomb as well, and henceforth so has your string. It holds up in my book, which is not the torah by and by (which is really more of a scroll than book anyway). With your new Kaballah string you will also receive a certificate of Jewthenticity, signed by the Hoj himself and stamped as Jewthentic by yours truly. Target won't offer you this service. You just have to take their word for it, and chances are in was made in a sweatshop in Mexico City. Is that a risk your willing to chance $26 bucks on? I don't think so. You'll be getting the evil eye all over the place, and you'll be out $26. At least if any evil eyes get through with our string on, you can just whip out the certificate of Jewthenticity to prove to them that it is indeed real, and that they should retract the evil glare they previously gave you.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004


This post is for all the ladies that don't understand the Gutte's comic genius.
We'll forget that for now, and focus on this.
Now am I speaking a language you ladies understand?

Too sexy? Posted by Hello

I can hear you all saying, "Orlando who?, Brad what?"
So if you don't want to watch his movies for his brilliant comic timing and the subtle undertones he brings to his characters, such as Sgt. Carey Mahoney. Then watch them for this reason.

Friday, July 23, 2004

Science vs. Street Smarts

Today's lesson: Opening a soda can so that it does not explode on you.

Here's science's method: Tap the top of the can, or let it sit.

And here's Johnny No Thumbs patented street smarts method: Grab two sodas. One for you, one for a friend. Let the friend open his first. Then shake yours up, and aim it at your friend when you open it. Since it may explode anyways, you might as well make the most of it. Now when your friend goes to clean himself off, give him some paper towels and offer to hold his drink while he mops himself off. Then drink your friend's soda. Not only does this insure that you don't have a soda explode on you, but it's pretty dang funny too. If a third friend is around, he should give the victim a hotfoot, just to up the ante (and by ante I mean hilarity).

Thursday, July 22, 2004

What's Marmaduke Been Up to This Week?
Here's a recap of Marmaduke's week so far:

Monday:  He tries to help do the dishes, but Dottie yells at him. 
 (some say Dottie's "sweet-natured" but I say she's got her own section in the jerkstore.)

Tuesday:  His date from last night is yelling on the phone because he didn't show up.
(The Duke just sits there, all non-chalant-like.  You know he's got ladies lined up around the block.)

Wednesday:  Takes George's garage door opener for his new pimped-out doghouse door.
(This dog is a genius.  Seriously.  Comic gold)

Thrusday:  He becomes a cab driver.  George asks,"where's the cab driver?" 
(Who cares George!  Not only can your dog figure out how to install a garage door opener, he can drive a car too.  At that point, Marmaduke could have eaten the cabbie and I wouldn't care.   If this comic was in the dictionary it would have had an "also see: Hilarious" after it.)

Friday:  Marmaduke becomes retarded.  Seriously.
( What happened, Marm?  Just yesterday you where driving a car around.  My best guess is that Dottie socked him in the head with a sock full of oranges while he was sleeping.)

Luckily for you if you missed any of these gems, I've linked them all.
Why?  Because I'm a giver.

If you're unfamiliar with the Marmaduke comic strip, I suggest checking out this cast list.
It's a good start on your way to appreciating this spendorrific comic.

More Like "Can't Stop the Gutte!"

Ah yes, the Village People movie.  What's that?  You didn't know a Village People movie existed.  Well, it does.  At least they realized that they couldn't carry a movie by themselves.  This is where I gain a little respect for these costumed fellows:  They bring on the powerhouse!  That's right the Gutte himself.  The Big G plays Jack Morell, " a struggling composer desperate to gain fame with his songs, but all he needs is a group to sing them. With the help of his roommate Samantha and a lawyer named Ron, Jack forms a group of six "macho men" from his Greenwich Village neighborhood and the rest of the film details their rise to fame from New York City to a climatic concert in San Francisco."  That's in italics because I cut and pasted it because I didn't want to make my own summary.  I also don't want to reference it, mainly because I forgot where I got it from.   The movie's awful, just incase you're wondering.  However, the Gutte still carried on an illustrious career.  Thus pretty much proving that "YOU CAN'T STOP THE GUTTE!"  I'm sure that you could figure out how to prove it in some sort of mathematical theorem, but I'm no scientist so we'll leave that one up to the White Fog (to correctly get the saying of the White Fog, whisper "white fog" really fast and have a friend make a fog horn noise while you do it.)

Like nothing you've ever seen before...unless you look before you flush. Posted by Hello

Monday, July 12, 2004

A public apology

I apologize for my lack of recent posts. I have been working on an exciting new business venture that is going to sweep America. I can't give you any details until the product is complete, but I can promise that it will be very hyped upon release, and you my readers will be the first to know. Hopefully it will be out by next Monday! Stay tuned.

Thursday, July 08, 2004

Thursday, Thursday, Thursday!!!

Come to the Swass Report and see Robosaurus! He is appearing in support of Manute's recovery. Roger McDowell wants to buy one, so he can give Darryl Strawberry the ultimate hotfoot. I once saw a truck that transformed into a car eating, fire breathing dinosaur but I couldn't find a picture of that one. It was one of the coolest things I've ever witnessed. I think it was called Truckasaurus. How rad would it be if Truckasaurus and Robosaurus battled to the death? It would rival Godzilla vs. Space Godzilla in awesomeness. If you're not familiar with G vs. SG, I'll make my next post about why it's the best. Until then, enjoy the destructive mayhem of Robosaurus!

Why didn't we unleash a couple of these in Iraq? Posted by Hello

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Swass Fact #4

Minute Bol is the best skee-ball player I've ever seen.

He just kept hitting the 100 point ring, one after another. He had easily over 100 tickets with just one token. That's what the picture's of. He was so excited because he was going to use his winnings to help his ailing tribesman, Manute. However, right after this picture was snapped by yours truely, Roger McDowell snuck up behind him and gave him a hotfoot. It was hilarious. Minute's tickets went up in flames, as did his foot. He was hopping around trying to stomp it out. It was amazing how much he looked like the kids playing Dance, Dance, Revolution. I laughed so hard I cried. If I wasn't laughing so hard I would have thought to take pictures of it. Roger taught me a valuable lesson that day. He called it Roger Rule #1 : At no time, in no situation, on no person is a hotfoot ever off limits. Words I will forever live by.

That's over 100 tickets, just from one token. Posted by Hello

An Answer to an Age Old Problem?

When riding around with a group of friends, the passenger or "shotgun" seat is coveted by everyone. This is why the shotgun game was invented. To prevent fights over this precious seat. However, it seems that everyone has different rules to this game. Now this causes fights, which the game was originally supposed to prevent. It's a big catch 22. This may be the solution. A universal shotgun rule book. This should be spread throughout all of the land, and will overrule the old rule of the driver uses his rules. I'm torn however, as I enjoy the bickering and fighting over the seat and rules, more than actually having the seat (unless it's a long ride, then I'll do whatever it takes to win).

Not only did this old woman score the shotgun seat, she's rubbing it in with a little showboating. A bet her friends hope her visor flies off before they make it to the bingo hall. Posted by Hello

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Truancy from Skool will not be Accepted

I went to Metal Skool again last night. I'll give you a review of last night's show. But this is the last time. After this, if you miss the show you can't live vicariously through me. It just doesn't do the band justice, and I'd be wasting my time on you shut-ins. Stay on the couch..see if I care. I'm going to rock.

I didn't get there in time for the opening bands, so find someone else to fill you in on those. Metal Skool kicked it off last night with Motley Crue's Talk Dirty to Me. From that moment on, anyone in the audience that hadn't seen them before was hooked. The lead guitarist took some time to show the audience his Stars and Stripes spandex pants. While it was related to the 4th of July, it seemed to be more of an excuse to show his ass to the ladies. Which is another thing about a Metal Skool show, if you come with your girlfriend, expect to go home alone as she'll end up with the band. This is a fact which should not surprise you when you're at the show as they flat out tell you, a lot. In fact, they pretty much rub it in your face. They can be arrogant though, because they're right. So don't say I didn't warn you. About halfway into the show they brought some schmoe up on stage to sing Bon Jovi's Shot through the Heart. He wasn't good. No one came to see some middle management ex-frat boy get up on stage. They came to see long hair, spandex catsuits, and a singer that can do a jumping splits. Luckily the singer kicked that dude off stage. Then he brought up Hal Sparks. Now Hal Sparks is hilarious, but can he rock? Yes, Hal Sparks can rock. He belted out some Skid Row and left me thinking there's nothing he can't do. I see Hal has a band. I haven't heard them, but after seeing him perform last night I'm definitely going to check it out. Then Metal Skool took it to a whole new level for me, and played Whitesnake's Here I Go Again. I love that effin' song. Half way through though they starting playing it in different genres of music. This convinced me that Here I Go Again could not only be an awesome rock song, but the best country, reggae, and Aggro song ever. If they were to record this cover in each way and release it to every radio station, they could hit number one on all of them. They also convinced a bunch of girls to dance on a stripper pole for an original song about strippers, and finished off the night with the crowd singing and headbanging along to Were Not Gonna Take It. They played more songs than I mention here, so you'll have to go next time to get the full effect. They also played a lot of different songs each time I go. I can't wait for the day I see them play Motley Crue'sKick Start My Heart. If you know them, tell them to play it.

I can't see how anyone wouldn't think this is awesome. So throw your backpack on, get on the bus, and get your ass to Skool.

Hal knows how to bring the Metal Yell. Posted by Hello

I never thought a dentistry site could be so cool.

But seriously is awesome. Besides giving you crucial information about toothbrush purchases, you can send bad breath notices. I suggest sending a bunch of those to Sir Chugs-a-lot, as his breath reeks. It's like he ate a dead skunk and washed it down with rancid milk mixed with Tang.

Johnny No Thumbs List of Things to Do this Week.

1. Give Sir Chugs-A-Lot a hotfoot.
2. Read Marmaduke and Rex Morgan.
3. Put up Metal Skool review for last night's show.
4. Inform at least one stranger about the magic that is the Gutte.
5. See Fahrenheit 9/11.
6. floss.
7. Think of a new contest.

Monday, July 05, 2004

We Have a Flag!

Thanks goes out to Paul over at Daily Ramblings for inventing the official Swass Report Flag. Now I can properly pay my respects to Manute by flying it at 3/4 mast. I suggest you all print it out and make a mast out of a straw and fly the flag at 3/4 mast on your desk until Manute recovers. I can also use it when conquering land. Once I place my flag on the boulder in the park by my house everyone will see that it belongs to me, and me only. This is awesome.

Friday, July 02, 2004

Who's Bringing Back the Hot Foot?

Me. That's who. What's a hot foot you ask? Remember watching those old sports bloopers as a kid? The ones that came on right after the Saturday morning cartoons. Well, remember when a baseball player would be sleeping and his teammates would light his shoe on fire, and the guy would dance all crazy-like trying to extinguish the flames? That, my friends, is a hot foot. It ranks right up there with Steve Guttenberg and Marmaduke in hilarity. And the best part is that it's cheap and easy to do. All you need is a book of matches and a friend that is unaware of your presence. Then you just stick some matches on his or her shoe, ignite them, and watch as your friend flails around trying to put the fire out. This will give you a good laugh, all for under a dollar.

The Swass Report Needs its own Flag.

That way I could fly it at 3/4 mast until Manute Bol recovers from a horrific car accident. Now why do I care so much about a basketball player that only averaged 2.6 points a game (besides the fact that he blocked more shots per minute than anyone in league history)? Because he is a fellow Dinka tribesman of my good friend Randy, or Minute Bol as he was known back in Sudan. Randy is simply the American name given to him after his exile from the Dinka tribe. You see, Randy turned out to be too short and too white for the rest of the tribe's liking. Hence the name Minute. He was also known as "The Little Ritz" by schoolmates, which in Dinka means "Tiny Cracker". The tribe elders voted him out when he was but five years old, and put him in a rickety wooden raft which found it's way to the shores of the USA. While the Dinkas were rough on the outcast runt of the tribe, Manute was always good to him. And therefore, I will be good to Manute and wish him a speedy recovery. As for the rest of the Dinkas, if they say anything bad about my reject friend, I will headbutt them in the kneecap.

Manute let Minute play ball with him at the first ever distant relative all-star game. Posted by Hello