Friday, May 28, 2004

Rex Morgan MD = SWASS!
All the time I've spent talking up Marmaduke, I completely forgot to mention Rex Morgan. I know this is a comic that you all skip past because you starting reading the comics page as a kid, and Rex wasn't funny. You need to get past that. Rex is all about the drawings. Screw the story. There's always at least one frame that is a genuine work of art. It would make Roy Lichtenstein jealous. My favorite in this one has to be the last panel. It's got action lines.

this is what you've been missing! Posted by Hello

Here's one for everyone in the Twin Cities
I don't want you guys to feel left out. The Twin Cities is a seriously swass place. Plus, you guys can claim Prince as your own. Now some of you may not think Prince is too swass. But seriously, look at this picture and tell me the man isn't solid.

Here's a picture of Prince playing the guitar so fast it's smoking. Posted by Hello

The computer I'm using whack. So lately everytime I go on the web, a gazillion pop-ups come up. They never stop. It's gotten to the point that I spend more time closing those windows than using the page I want to. And no, I'm not on the porn pages. Also, lately it won't let me download any pictures. That one really stinks, since I just learned how to post pictures. Can someone tell me what the eff is going on?

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Who's That Blogger?
So apparently there's this blogger that goes by the name of Rance. This "Rance" is supposedly an A-list actor, but no one can figure out which one. Go to the site, see if you can be the first to unveil him. Or stay at this site, and bask in the swassness of the Gutte.
Okay, so my computer sucks right now and I can't get the picture to work, but trust me, he's looking mighty swass. Hopefully it'll be up tomorrow.

Could this be the Gutte's Rance disguise? Posted by Hello

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Swass Fact #1
If you type "Freakin" into your post on blogger and do a spell check, it will recommend the word "foreskin".

Another Accomplishment for the Swass Report!
I'm taking this thing to a whole new level. For all of my illiterate friends, I give you pictures! For all of my computer illiterate friends, I think you smell bad. It's not like they'll ever know. Freakin' caveman hippies.

bang the drums and drink champagne!

I'm going to make all of my friends look bad.
I've decided that in my spare time I will be working on an art series. I will call it "Bad Paintings of Good Friends" or maybe "Bad Representations of Good Friends" because while they may look like a deformed version of them, the painting itself may actually be pretty cool. Then I will get them in a gallery and sell them. Once sold, the owner will put it up on their wall where visitors will see it and say,"Damn he/she's ugly! Who is it?" And the owner will say,"A friend of the artists. He only knows ugly people." Maybe this isn't the best idea after all. But there's only one way to find out, by doing it anyway.

Friendly Reminder
Today's Marmaduke is solid. Don't forget to check it out.

Are Homeless People Spies?
I'm pretty sure that at least 2% of all homeless people are high-to-mid level spies. You know how you see one that seems out of place every once in a while? It's like, why would a homeless person hang out here? Because he's got no home? No! Because he is spying. I saw one today in Santa Monica that had to have been a spy. I was polite though, I didn't blow his cover. I also didn't give him any spare change because we all know spies make good money. Maybe I'm wrong, but if I am, the CIA should hire me because this is a great idea. Everyone tries to avoid eye-contact with bums, so what better way is there to survey a place without anyone noticing? (the answer is none.)

I have to take a trip to the zoo!
I recently read that koala bears get drunk off the juices of the eucalyptus leaves. When they get drunk they fall off the tree. I have to see this. I want to know: when they shake off the fall and get back up, do they stumble around and make lewd gestures? I hope they do.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Who is Mitchie Brusco?
That is the question I have asked the greater Los Angeles area for the last two days. And quite frankly, I'm a bit disappointed in the population. For a town where everyone wants to be an actor, how is it that they're all camera shy or completely uncreative. Especially since I tell them to just make it up if they don't know who he is. I'm giving them complete creative control. Something one doesn't often get in this city. There were a couple of good ones though. My favorites had to be : a Jewish Carpenter that died for our sins (way off, but funny), and the artist that draws Marmaduke (ok, I told her to say that one but I still like it). I'm working on a very slow connection, so you'll just have to look up everything that should have a link the hard way.

Monday, May 24, 2004

DDR vs. McDonald's
Dance, Dance Revolution is doing all it can to get kids off their lazy asses and exercise. So much so in fact, that some schools are making it a part of their gym classes. That's way better than getting pelted in the head with a rubberball, by some 5th grade behemoth that already has to shave everyday. However, in fear of losing customers to healthy habits, McDonald's is starting to offer DVD rentals at select stores. Not only encouraging you to sit around all evening in front of the TV eating junk food, but you also need to go back to return the DVD. And how many people will be able to go back just to return the movie? You know they're going to be leaving with a Big Mac or two. And since they've got the food, it'd be nice to have something to watch wouldn't it? It's a terrible cycle that's about to be unleashed. DDR, we need you now more then ever.

32 Hours in 2 Days
That's what this weekend actually turned out to be for me. Unfortunately, that's 32 hours of work. Clocked in 20 hours on Saturday and 12 on Sunday. So much for relaxing and reading the Marmaduke comic. I did manage to celebrate the counter turning on Friday though. Also, the work was long, but it was pretty cool. It was a short film, heavy on FX (mostly head wounds).

Friday, May 21, 2004

Counter Breaks 100!
This is cause for celebration, even though half of those hits were me trying to see if the adjustments I was making were working. And the other half were probably me checking to see if the counter had gone up. Even so, it's the weekend and I plan on celebrating this tonight. Then I'll have to work off the hangover on Saturday. Sunday I'll get the Sunday paper and check out the Marmaduke comic in full color. That's pretty much my weekend plans.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

The system is up
Not only are the comments working smoothly, but I've added a section called "places I go". It's pretty self-explanatory. It's on the right side of the page, and I suggest you go to these places as well.

Hassle the Hoff!
Yo, yo, yo! Peep this news, straight off the net. Ice-T is has a new student: The one and only David Hasslehoff! T has high hopes for his protege. Apparently he's going to surprise us with his rap skills and humour. The extra "u" comes courtesy of the British paper this report comes from. For the Hoff's sake, I hope T is teaching him to rap in German.

The System is Down!
So in all of the re-configurations, the comments section is not working. Meaning 1) Sarah Blain is safe until they come back up. and 2) You can still guess what I ate that day and win a prize. If you really think you know the answer you can also email it to me at If you win I'll post your name and the winning answer for everyone to see. Now I got to get back to the system.

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Maroon is the new Orange
I've attempted to update the look of The Swass Report, but couldn't get the orange back. My sure-fire method of typing "orange" into the template code just doesn't seem to work anymore. So long live maroon!

Win a Prize!
I'm feeling generous today, so I'm giving you all a chance to win a prize. So here's how: Guess what I ate for lunch today. Yep, it's that simple. However, anyone that had lunch with me today is exempt from the contest. The first person to correctly guess what I had for lunch will recieve a personal phone call from me, telling you how smart and awesome you are. So if you win you'll probably want to record this conversation to use as proof of awesomeness against those who may doubt you. And the action of taping it will prove that you're smart. You may also recieve an autographed picture of my lunch, if I feel the conversation merits one. So don't be boring. Onto a different subject. Sarah has still not posted a comment, check back here tomorrow with your pizza orders ready, as time is running out for her.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

The Future's so Bright, I gotta wear shades.
No Hoj, not because of atmospheric ozone degradation. Although that is a problem. It's actually because of a band I saw last night. Their name: The Like. Last night they showed me that the younger generation isn't all bad. The band is composed of a bunch of high school girls, and they rock. It's nice to see that they're not all swooning over American Idol stars or Britney Spears. It makes me happy, which normally I am not, because of the whole I have no thumbs thing. Also playing last night was Ben Lee. The man was mellow last night, but still pretty solid. For the last song, he added a drummer which brought the energy up. I wish the drummer would have been there for the whole set, but the show was free so I really can't complain. If you're in LA, The Like has a residency at Spaceland for the rest of the month. So they play a free show every Monday of May.

Kudos to CJ!
Congrats on the 1K post, and the reconfiguration of blogger. In honor of this solid accomplishment I give you this. Now on to more important matters. For all of you in the Kansas City area, I recommend heading to the Barnes & Noble to get your comics signed by the man that draws Marmaduke, Brad Anderson. And while you're there I suggest taunting some geeks, for old times sake. Adam, I had my pizza order ready, but you made it just in time. So on to the next. Sarah Blain, post a comment or let the phone ring! You have until Thursday, the 20th. Last note, with some shoddy Sir Jay-style research I've come to the conclusion that he's probably a cross-dresser and huge Bea Arthur fan.

Friday, May 14, 2004

False Allegations
While I'm very happy that the comments section seems to be picking up steam, I feel I must set the record straight on a recent allegation. Sir Jay seems to believe that I do not exist. That I am merely a pen name for Randy. That is false. Randy doesn't even own a computer. I make fun of him all the time for it, and so should you. If you still don't believe me, ask Stew-pac. He was there when we all met in Providence. He can also attest to the fact that I have no thumbs. Next time your research should be a little more solid, before you start throwing around rumors Jay. By the way, Adam McKibbin, you have until Tuesday the 18th to post a comment before the phone starts ringing. If you don't want to be the man delivering pizzas I suggest you try it.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

Spaceland?...More like SWASSLAND!
For all of those that missed the show at Spaceland last night, I pity you. (which I know was all of you, as I went alone.) For they were serving up swass by the gallons, or in those Hardee's Smurf glasses if you asked politely. The first band of the night was Tsar. And these guys are awesome! Straight up rock and roll for the masses. I'd give them 2 thumbs up if I had any. The second band was pretty awful, and didn't even say their name, so I can't tell you not to go see them. Unless you want to avoid all bands from Seattle. Which I don't recommend. The last band of the night was Ambulance Ltd. And the swass was back. These guys are solid. Another note on the night, was that the Eve 6 singer kept walking around acting like he was all cool. To which I kept walking up to him and saying, "Dude, you're not cool." But the man is as dense as osmium so he didn't really take the hint. The singer for Tsar however, was the swassest person I've seen in LA for a long time. Just how swass is he? He wore a cape after the show. That's right, he walked around the club the rest of the night with a cape on. But not just any cape. A cape with a large picture of David Hasselhoff, with the word Hasselhoff written in large white letters next to the face just in case you weren't German and needed some help.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

I Can't Believe it's Come to This!
I went through all the trouble of putting a comments section on this page, and no one is using it. The whole situation's got me about 10 minutes to Wapner. Now I'm not computer savvy at all. I was excited that I was able to change the background of this page to the lovely shade of orange you're basking in right now. So making this whole comments thing work was no walk in the park. But I thought that you, the readers, would enjoy a little personal interaction. Then I realized that no one probably read this thing, so I had Randy email you all and extend a friendly invitation to come to my page. Still no comments. So here's the deal. If I do not receive a comment from you, I shall post your phone number on this page and request that all of my readers call it and demand that you give them a pizza in 30 minutes. They shall continue to call until you either a) bring them a pizza in less than 30 minutes or b) post a comment. Yeah right, you say. And to that I say,"Mr. Jay Aaseng, I'm starting with you. You have until Monday the 17th to post a comment, or let the phone start ringing." You see Randy starting blabbing away once you give him a free drink or two (or 12 in this case). So start your posting!
CJ is exempt, since he's already posted.
And so is the man.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Solutions I tell you!
That's what I bring to the table, so stop asking. Now what solutions do I bring to said table you may ask. Well, are the walls in your apartment boring? Then I give you the Rasterbator.
This bad boy will take any photo and let you blow it up huge. Now if you're overwhelmed by the endless possibilities of such an endeavor, let me make a suggestion: The Man. That's right, a nice big picture of Steve Guttenberg to greet you every morning. What could possibly be better? Nothing, except for maybe today's Marmaduke. Which was solid as usual. I highly suggest you stop reading this drivel and check it out.

Friday, May 07, 2004

That my friends, is what I think of Marmaduke. Which by the way, did you read today? That Marmaduke cracks me up. The man that created this strip should be given some sort of medal, or trophy (his preference). It is perhaps the benchmark of what all comedy should strive to achieve. Not just comic strips, but all comedy. In fact, I demand a Marmaduke movie. That's right all you big shot Hollywood producers. Listen to what the people want. We want to see Marmaduke in our local cineplexs. The people also seem to complain when a favorite cartoon character is CGIed. I agree, we don't want to see a CGI Marmaduke. What we want is the Gutte dressed up as Marmaduke. That's box office paydirt. I'm laughing already. To all you doubters, the Gutte's got the range to play our favorite canine friend. I don't really have proof on hand so you'll just have to trust me on this one.

Thursday, May 06, 2004

MSN Asks: Can Bowling Shirts be Hip Again?
NO! No, msn they cannot be. The main line in question is Nat Nast. A line that is run by the titular man's two daughters, who's only involvement in the company up to his death was in the shipping department. Which only lasted one summer I may add. MSN decides that these shirts are "cool" because Larry David and Ted Danson fought over one on TV. And while Larry is funny and Ted has sweet hair plugs, neither is really known for their trendsetting wardrobes, or trendsetting anything. No, if you want to be at the pulse of everything hip, you pay attention to the man. That's right the Gutte. Not only was he the man in the Police Academy movies, but he also held his own against a gay robot in Short Curcuit and the Olsen Twins in It Takes Two. Now sure he's taken some time off, but he's also a member of the Stonecutter's, and the honorary mayor of the Pacific Palisades out he in California. And if you don't believe yet, just read his induction speech. I personally enjoy where he wants to rename Sunset Boulevard and put his dog on a stamp.

Look at my pants!
It's like I just got off work at the swass factory. Oh, and at this so called "factory of swass", they give you Gmail accounts. Which you use for mail. Though not the really important stuff, since Google "the hereto unnamed swass factory" scans the body of all your messages.

Also, just because your leg is broken, you don't need to freaking scream into your cell phone on the bus. You ruined a perfectly good bus-riding experience. On a new bus. With stop buttons (in addition to the normal stop cords)!

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

The uberfest in the California desert.

The Swass...
1. The Flaming Lips: Anytime you start a show by walking over the audience in a giant bubble your off to a good start.

2. The Rapture: Quality all around, but I hold a special place for the guy that rocked out the cowbell like there was no tomorrow.

3. The Pixies: Reunited at last. They came to rock, and rock they did.

4. All the bloggers I hung out with: These guys know how to party.

5. The Girls at the Water Booths: These girls were so hot you enjoyed spending two bucks on a bottle of water.

6. Del and the rest of Hieroglyphics: Highlight was Del's freestyle verses during Clint Eastwood. The man has more flow than a sorority house at that time of the month.

And now the SWUNT...
1. Beck: Seriously, the best part of his set was when he stopped playing and tried to get his reprogrammed Gameboy to work. If I had nails in my pocket I would have shoved them in my ears.

2. The Dude in the Silver Speedo: The desert was hot, you are not. If I had those nails, I would have wished I saved them for my eyes.

3. The Shirtless Old Guys: Smantes are not a thing to be flaunted. They were about as cool as The Hoj and Stewmanji combined. So keep the shirts on unless you have a sweet tattoo of a tiger that covers your whole chest.

4. The Trash Cans: If you going to invite 80,000 people to one spot, you might want to put out more than 5 trash cans. I haven't seen that kind of mess since my kitchen in college.

5. The Squatters: These people would stake out a spot early on and not move so they could be close when Radiohead or The Cure came on. The result was the first 10 rows of people sitting for all the other shows on that stage, which really drained the energy of the bands before them. People, there are 80 plus bands playing, go broaden your horizons. Frickin' wierdos. They had me about 10 minutes from Wapner during the Hiero show.

That's all I really have to say. Anything else wouldn't do it justice.

King of Swass
I cannot take credit for the creation of swass, that belong to one Mr. CJ Bonifas. I will however, keep you all updated one the swassness of various people, places, and things since CJ has his hands full seperating the crap from the science and then rearranging it to a managable format for those of you that just don't have the time to do it yourself. CJ your work is appreciated by all that like both science and crap but are just too lazy to go out and look for it.
I shall soon report on the swassocity that was the desert uberfestival of Coachella. Stay Tuned.

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

Blog this
As science and crap is out of commission for a while, I've decided to venture out on my own. We'll see how long it takes before I venture back to the cozy nest that CJ housed me at.