Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Goth Elvis!

Also known as, why in the crap hasn't anybody told me about this yet? Seriously, this is what seems to be the coolest thing I've ever found by reading a book. And by reading, I mean flipping through and only looking at the pictures. Now we all know where Robert Smith got his make-up from, and where KISS got their costumes. Elvis is now officially cooler than ever. I want to know what music he was making during this phase. All that accompanied the picture in the book, was a long list of all the drugs they found in his blood after he died and what they do. If I wanted to know about drugs, I'd read a drug book not a rock and roll book. How in the heck did the editor let that slip by? I want answers. And capes with pictures of Goth Elvis on them, but mostly I want the capes.

Seriously folks.....AWESOME! Posted by Hello

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Technical the Extreme!

The recent lack of posts is due to a serious computer malfunction. It seems as if I need a complete overhaul, so things may be sporatic for a little while. Luckily, a good friend let me use his computer to put this up.

On a happier note, I went to see The Ponys at Spaceland last night...FOR FREE. So to all you sucks who paid to see them at the Troubadour tonight, I'm better than you. Not that I wouldn't pay to see this band. They were great fun. The lead singer is like a really tall pogo stick, and the lead guitar looks like Andy Warhol (and he makes silly faces when the lead singer does something weird), there are two other people two, but they didn't do anything crazy that merits mentioning. They're a little indie rock band straight out of Chicago and the album has a cool cover too. So you should get it, so that they can pay their rent and make more music for you to listen to, since I'm obviously not helping any. Although I did tell them to "go on with their bad selves" and I do beleive they took it to heart, and will remember that moment when they think they just can't go on any more. And remembering that will cause them to continue.

Really bad phone camera photo of The Ponys at Spaceland. Posted by Hello

Friday, June 25, 2004


He's no Nikki Sixx, but David Lee Roth may be Kick Startin' Hearts around NYC pretty soon. Diamond Dave has relocated to New York and has been taking EMT classes (check out the medical joke he busts out. You can't miss it as he says that it's a medical joke after he tells it). So after a hard night of partying, don't be surprised if you're awakened to what appears to be the strangest Van Halen music video you've ever seen. So with Roth out of rock, and VH touring with Haggar, if you want to see a show that will be worth your while check out the Atomic Punks.

Ready for some mouth to mouth? Posted by Hello

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Celebrities Finding More Ways to Keep Your Attention

The A.V. section of The Onion, gives a short list of celebrity blogs. Not to be mistaken for blogger celebrities (ie, those who are famous because of their blogs). While most of them I could care less about, Al Roker is just too good to pass up. In related celebrity craziness, J-Lo one-ups Ben for headlines yet again. She couldn't stand the fact that Ben got attention for winning the California State Poker Championship, so she went out and hired a shoe fastener. That's right in line with giving up the diva image. Hopefully she only uses a bidet, otherwise I can guess what she's going to hire next.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

If you like Zombie Flicks, you'll love this.

28 Days Later has a sequel in the works. There's not much info out about it yet, but if you know anything about it please let me know. I would add a picture or clever twists on the english language, but I'm tried and need to go to bed as I have a 14 hour day of work ahead of me (minimum).

Monday, June 21, 2004

Pushing for that 16th Minute

After that 15th minute of fame, some people just can't let go. Survivor All-Star Jenna Lewis is the latest "celebrity" (I use that term loosely with her), to fall victim to a released sex tape. However, there is speculation that she's not a victim at all, as some believe that she and her new husband may have "released" it themselves. Now go to the closest water cooler and discuss.


Move over curry drenched food, Spider-man is new hot thing in India. They're redoing the whole thing. The kids of India will not know Spider-man to be Peter Parker, but Pavitr Prabhakar. The Green Goblin will become Rakshasa, an Indian mythological demon. That part sounds pretty cool. He sounds like a real "maadar chode." It will deal with issues related to their culture. The question remains though, does Bombay have enough skyscrapers to make it worthwhile? What's the point of being Spider-man if you don't have anything to swing from? Honestly, I mean Spidey would pretty much suck if he lived in LA. There'd be a couple of buildings downtown for him to swing from, but other than that he'd be stuck in traffic like the rest of us smucks. I'm going to pitch a Spider-man LA (it'll be like the whole CSI thing. Same show, different city.), where he's always stuck in traffic on the 405 and he never gets there in time to save people and Peter will be a paparazzo for US Weekly. The Green Goblin's got that little flying thing, so he's obviously going to tear the city apart. It will show that the only important power in LA is the power to green light a project. If only Spider sense could predict a blockbuster. Back to the Indian Spider-man. I like how they've decided that he should have a loincloth, baggy pants, and curly-toed shoes;however, why didn't they throw a turban on him? I hope they make it into a Bollywood film. How awesome would that be?

Nice shoes. Posted by Hello

Ben Affleck Proves He's Not a Complete Donkey
(May still be zombie though.)

Apparently one can prove oneself not to be a complete donkey by winning the California State Poker Championship. Also competeing was Tobey Maguire, who is apparently a "sweater" and has yet to prove himself not to be a complete donkey. Ben thanked Gabe Kaplan for his tutorage. I've seen alot of Welcome Back Kotter, and I don't remember him ever teaching the Sweathogs how to play poker. Why, Mr. Kotter? Who needs to learn history, when you could be making millions playing cards.

I liked him better as a zombie. Posted by Hello

Saturday, June 19, 2004

We Have a Winner!

Paul of Daily Ramblings got the trivia question correct. The answer was The Janitor from Scrubs. He has chosen to receive the half of a turkey sandwich with his choice of mayo as his prize. It will be sent via mail, leaving Los Angeles early this week. Congratulations Paul! As for the rest of you, go sit in front of your TV more (especially when Scrubs is on, it's hilarious).

"I hate Scooter Pies."
 Posted by Hello

Friday, June 18, 2004

Rock n Roll Dancing Shoes

If you've got 'em put them on. There seems to be some backlash against the Franz Ferdinand boys, so I'm here to suggest a few bands for you if you're looking to put FF by the wayside so that Uncle Grambo and Damore will still think your best. I understand the willingness to do this, as everyone wants to hang with these two, and rightfully so. They are to bloggers what Llody Dobler is to women. (thanks to the blueprint for the Klosterman ref).

So I present to you different yet similar music:

Pink Grease (the site's color scheme says enough.)

Chikinki (I suggest checking out the video for "Like it or Leave it")

Kings Have Long Arms (this one is actually techno, but it's fun. Check it out. It's free so if you don't like it, no harm done.)

Pitty Sing (good stuff from Boston. In case you're sick of Euro bands.)

Young Heart Attack (for those of you who could just go for some straight up rock)

If you don't like these bands, find your own music.

Completely unrelated pic of The Gutte, prepared to take your order. Posted by Hello

Looks Like I'm Not the Only One Putting the "i" in Team.

This is a wonderfully ridiculous story. Not because of the cheerleader's mistake, but because of the commotion it caused. They put the poor girl in detention for 3 days and kicked her off the squad. Some are even surprised that she hasn't been transferred yet. I feeling sorry for the spelling bee kids in that town. They must cane all the losers. Get over it people.

"Cheerleading commissioner Sandra Dewitt assured Riverside that the actions of their squad member have scarred not only their school but the entire cheerleading profession."
If one vowel can do more damage to your profession than a Playboy spread, just what are you teaching these girls?

The team here at The Swass Report (and by team I mean me), have always put an "i" in team. So we welcome you, cheerleader, Steve Perry Style (with open arms). In fact, if you find that your voice is not being heard in this matter, I'm giving you a place to speak your mind here. Just contact me through comments or email, and you can post all about it on The Swass Report. I'm dead serious.

The official swass report cheerleader. Posted by Hello

What Ever Happened To?
Featuring: Ben Curtis, aka "The Dell Guy"

We all remember the Dell guy. He went from this to this. Then he basically disappeared. Until last night. I was watching Scrubs (best ever) when during a commercial break I was reunited with an old friend. Turns out the Dell Guy is now the GamesnFlix Guy. Like most long awaited reunions, it was quite underwhelming. He lacked the charisma I had grown to love. Perhaps it was his past weighing heavily upon his shoulders, maybe he was trying to move on and grow as an actor, maybe selling games and movies isn't as exciting as selling computers, or maybe he's off the pot. I'll never really know. I do know that he's still running from the five-O. That's how the commercial started. I don't really know why, because I didn't pay any attention to the commercial until I realized it was the Dell Guy. Thinking of him makes me miss the sock puppet dog. Now I'm all nostalgic for commercial characters that aren't even a decade old.

Back on the tube, asking you to spend your money. Just like the old days. Posted by Hello

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Yet Another Chance to Win!

Alright folks, I've decided to give you all a contest, because everyone loves a good contest. Especially when prizes are involved. So here goes...

For the prize of either a guest blog entry, or half a turkey sandwich with your choice of mayonnaise....

Name the television character and show that this quote comes from: "Evenin' Governor. What's up your bum?"

First to post the correct answer in the comments section wins!
Contest ends Sunday, June 20th 2004.
(Bribes of $60 or upwards will be accepted in exchange for the winning answer.)

This could be yours! Or you could choose the guest blog entry. Which I suggest if you live far away, as I'm not sure how long the sandwich will stay good for in the mail. Posted by Hello

If I Could, I'd Give it Two Thumbs Up.

As I was perusing the content of the wonderful Mister Pants site, I came across these cartoons (I recommend the one on the top row, farthest to the right). Which I found to be as solid as today's Marmaduke, and decided to pass them along to you.

I suggest this too, which also comes from Mr. Pants. You should still go to his site, because I recommend it. There are other reasons, but go with that one.

Who's that on the Short Yellow Bus?

Not Method Man or Redman. And anyone that saw the premiere of Method and Red last night knows why. This show is all about learning. It's like the new Sesame Street, but with weed and hoochies and flatscreen tvs everywhere. If you missed the show, let me recap the valuable lessons I learned.

1. Don't feed Goldfish Alka Seltzer. (even if they look sick, because it will make them explode.)

2. Respect your Momma. (even if she's an uptight white momma, because don't no one look out for you like your moms.)

3. If you put your mind to it, you can do anything. (and if you don't you're a quitter, and deserve a good smack upside the head from your momma.)

4. White People Love Fruit Cake. (It's their snack of choice.)

5. Don't Sleep with White Chicks. (they didn't explain why, but I'm not gonna question Meth's momma. Maybe all that fruitcake makes them gassy.)

6. Be Good to your Neighbors. (especially if you just threw a huge party, and are trying not to get evicted from the neighborhood.)

7. Duracell Batteries are the Only Batteries Bon Jovi uses in His Microphone When He Goes on Tour. (and subsequently the only ones you should use too. Okay, I learned this during a commercial, but still it was a lesson learned so I'm passing it along.)

8. Once you Start Talking, No One Can Decide Anything Until You Stop. It's a Filibuster. (you can invoke the right of a filibuster no matter where you are. Just go Mr. Smith on 'em all.)

9. You Got to Stick up for Yourself. (if someone gets in your face, don't step down. Raise that pimp hand.)

10. Redman loves Fried Meatloaf. (so if your inviting people over to have fried meatloaf, make sure Redman didn't eat it first. Chances are he probably did.)

That's a lesson every 3 minutes. You could learn a lot from these guys. I did.

That expression can only mean one thing: Offscreen Hoochies. Posted by Hello

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

This can only hurt Kobe's testimony.

Most of the time I'm all for athletes talking all they want. You're sure to get some real gems. But if you're in Kobe's situation, just keep your mouth shut. Don't you know the Miranda Rights? Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law. This is pretty much how I see things going now...

Eagle County, CO
Kobe is on the Stand, being cross-examined by the Prosecuting Attorney.

Attorney: Mister Bryant, did you or...
Kobe: I only want to be Kobe. (winks and smiles)
Attorney: Okay... Kobe, did you or did you not guarantee that the Lakers would win game 5?
Kobe: I promised?
Attorney: I quote from your press interview 'we'll win Tuesday.'
Kobe: I'll go with that. It's fine with me. We don't have a choice. We've got to win.
Attorney: Well, you lost. Making you a lair. And now you expect us to believe you, when you tell us you're innocent?
Kobe: I'm innocent, you know. I didn't force her to do anything against her will. I'm innocent.
Attorney: Is that a guarantee?
Kobe: I'll go with that. It's fine with me. We don't have a choice. We've got to win.
Attorney: Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, Kobe made a promise to you people that he would win game 5. What did he do? He lied. And now he sits here, making another guarantee to you. History has shown that he cannot be trusted. The court has proven to you, that he is a liar. Now I ask of you; are you going to let him get away with it again? What do you have to say for yourself Kobe?
Kobe: I just have so much energy. It was either go home or be the goalkeeper.

The courtroom explodes with shocked reactions.
The Judge pounds his gavel, trying desperately to restore order.

Court Recesses.

The Press interviews a couple of Kobe's teammates.

Press: Given his history as a liar, do you think Kobe is guilty?
Karl Malone: History wasn't one of the subjects in college I liked. I'm not a big history buff.

Press: Did Kobe do it?
Shaq: That's sort of a trick question and I don't have a trick answer.

Press: It's a simple question Shaq, yes or no?
Shaq: It is simple. And if you don't stick to simplicity, you'll die a horrible death.

Press: Do you think Kobe will be found guilty?
Shaq: That question is a lot like my game. Which is like the Pythagorean Theorem. Nobody knows the answer.

Man, I can't wait for this trail to start.

Kobe: How 'bout I buy you all rings, and we make this all go away? La: You could have just won us rings instead. Posted by Hello

Hey Lakers, Let the Indonesian Kids Think You Won.

Robert Navarre of the Pistons' merchandising department on the Championship clothing: "We'd have had to destroy 'em if they'd lost Games 5, 6 and 7," Navarre said. "We don't give them to the children in Indonesia."

Why not give those kids the clothes? The Pistons spanked the Lakers, so that's not something they have to worry about. But if the Lakers merchandise hasn't been destroyed yet, I say give it to the Indonesian children. You can still be their champs. You can even fly down there and parade around like you won. Karl, you can wave a paper mache trophy over your head as the kids beg you for food. Shaq, you could give Gary a piggy-back ride, so he doesn't get lost in the sea of children. Kobe, you can borrow the ring you just gave your wife, and pass it off to all the kids as the real deal. You also might think about staying down there, Kobe. There you could be king, instead of incarcerated.

That one kid will still be rooting for Batman, but the rest will love the Lakers. Posted by Hello

Don't Go Swimming in El Paso

In just four hours, El Paso's residents produce enough sweat to fill an Olympic swimming pool. Now just because they can, doesn't mean they will. I for one am not taking any chances, as the town's people may not enjoy being named the sweatiest folks in all the land. And no amount of free deoderant is going to cheer them up. However, cruel pranks against unsuspecting visitors may, so please: Stay out of the El Paso pools.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

In Case You Missed This the First Time

You should really be keeping tabs on Rex Morgan MD. I'm making it easy for you. It's linked along the side. Seriously, check out the middle panel. That, my friends, is art. Notice the use of foreground/background composition. You're not gonna see that in Garfield. And the last frame speaks for itself. Between the off-panel dialogue and the wide-eyed expression of the red hat man, one word: RACY! We're talking Race Bannon racy. We all know what was going on there. Two men, two boys, and a dog out on "adventures", I mean c'mon there's nothing subtle about that. Race is questing for Jonny, and how do you think Hadji got his green card?

On another note, props go out to The Gutte, for having my back. Thanks Big G.

Seriously. This is where it's at. Posted by Hello

The Gloves are Off!

I'm normally a pretty laid back guy, but I heard a little something through the grapevine from the El Camino that's put me 10 minutes to Wapner. Turns out one Sir Chugs-A-Lot, has a problems with your hero but is too cowardly to say it to his face. So, Jay Aaseng, if you want to play dirrrty, Xtina-style, it's on! Mr. A is officially my nemesis, and as such I have found a website in which you can rate him. Beast is the bad one, meaning that he looks like he's gone to Melanie Griffith's plastic surgeon. If you're all in line with Johnny NT, I suggest you go here, and let him know he's one ugly mf.

Skool's in Session

Last night I headed to the Roxy to check out Metal Skool. Walking into the club was like traveling back to the time of Aquanet and Spandex. Not only was the band decked out this way, so was more than half the crowd. It was perhaps the raddest thing I've seen, since the old lady in Vegas that didn't quite make it to the vomitorium. Metal Skool plays songs ranging from Bon Jovi to Guns n Roses. They started the set with a rollicking cover of "Rock You Like a Hurricane." Right there I knew the night would break the needle on the Awesometer. The show is half rock and half comedy, as they talk inbetween songs for quite some time. The Hoobastank lead singer was there, and they made fun of him because his band sucks. But the dude was cool, and got up there with them and rocked some old school Van Halen. Just as I was thinking the night was over, and it was cool although I was wishing someone cooler than the Hoobastank guy would have shown up, the Skoolers went straight from "Sweet Child of Mine" into "Night Train". This was bizarre. They kept a pretty good mix until then, hopping from band to band. Then who other than Axel effing Rose comes out on stage with them! Who needs Velvet Revolver when you've got Axel playing with a cover band? Let me tell you though, Axel needs to lay off the Cheetos. They played "Paradise City" next, and the Metal Skool lead singer pulled up about twenty girls to dance on stage with them. This was pretty amazing, but the best part was that none of the girls went for Axel. They all wanted the cover band guys. That alone should have Axel on the treadmill this morning. These dudes are singing your song, with you, but they're getting all the action. What happened Axel? It's not a dig against Axel (the man can still rock); it's a testament to how effin' hard the Metal Skool guys rock. They play every Monday and I suggest you check them out if you live in LA.

The closest thing to time travel I've seen yet. Who needs science when you've got Metal? Posted by Hello

Monday, June 14, 2004

Doing Wisconsin Proud

Who needs to go to Hollywood to make movies? Not Mark Borchardt. He's keeping it real in Milwaukee, and giving the state some film-making cred. For those of you who've already worn out your Coven tapes, prepare to rejoice as Mark is making his next film, Scare Me. You've got to love that fact that Mr. B let's the fans into his world. He kept a journal online for American Movie, and he'll be doing it again for this film. This man cannot be stopped, so you'd better join him.

Milwaukee's Best, ain't just a beer anymore. Posted by Hello

With all this Talk About J-Lo...

We've forgotten to keep an eye on Ben. As it turns out, he's turned into a zombie on the hunt for brains. At least, that's the best assessment I can make off of the picture below. Why else would he be walking down the street in his underwear, with that zombie posture and facial expression? Living in Hollywood, this has me a bit frightened. While I love zombies (especially celebrity zombies), I don't want to be one myself. That's way I'm going out and buying this book.

On the hunt for brains? Posted by Hello

Viva Las Vegas!

Due to stringent "Stays in Vegas" laws. I am not allowed to speak about most of this past weekend. Even if I wanted to I couldn't. As you leave the town, they erase your memory. Why else do you think people go back after losing exorbanant amounts of money? What I can tell you is that The Munsters are my new best friends. You just can't lose on their nickel slot game. That is the only memory they let me keep. That and the cold, unwavering stare of Captain Picard. Wait, I remember one more thing. It's good to be the King, or at least act like him. When I was in the lobby at the MGM Grand one fine evening/morning?, I saw three Elvis impersonaters surrounded by a herd of girls. So apparently all you have to do to meet girls is go to Vegas in your best Elvis costume and hang out in hotel lobbies. I suggest you try this technique at least once in your life.

These guys are money, baby. Posted by Hello

Friday, June 11, 2004

Yoo-hoo is the new PBR

By that I mean that it's the new drink that everybody will drink because nobody drinks it, so they want to drink it to be different and cool, but really just end up drinking something they don't really like with everyone else. Now this sucks for those of us that have always preferred a Yoo-hoo over other beverages, because it raises the prices. Everyone that drank PBR before the hipsters found it, drank it because it cost 50 cents for a can. Now you're paying the price of a Guinness for one, and they're not even giving it to you in a can, so no one even knows that you're being cool. Although you will look cool if you order it from the bartender by saying,"PBR me ASAP!" Anyway, if you want to look cool start ordering Yoo-hoos. (They're already on the menu at Doughboys.) If you already drink Yoo-hoo, prepare to gain newfound respect from cool people and for price hikes. Viva la Yoo-hoo revolution! Go forth and spread the word.

Is the 'Hoo in Your Hood? Posted by Hello

What Happens in Vegas....

...will either stay in Vegas as the commercials suggest, or be posted on this site on Monday. I guess it really depends on what happens. I can promise you that I will do this though. I will walk around the streets with two open beverages (one for me and one for Al), trying to find O'Sheas so that I can get two tacos for 99 cents. That is going to happen, pinky swear. Thanks for the tip Al.

Swass Fact #3:
Any picture I find of someone doing this (see picture below) will be posted on this site.

Is he the devil, or the Great Gazoo? Posted by Hello

Thursday, June 10, 2004

If You Hate Nazis....

You'll love Rex Steele: Nazi Smasher. Or at least the idea of him. I can't vouch for the actual film, since I've only seen the trailer and some pictures. I can conclude from the pictures that the filmmakers where astute enough to figure out that the Nazis had ninjas. This is important for two reasons. First, it allows the film to use two of the most dangerous villians around. Nazis and Ninjas are both enemies most people never wish to tango with in their lifetimes. But a Nazi Ninja, look out! Even the great Indiana Jones never had to deal with those. The second reason it is important is because it brings to light the fact that this was a real possiblity. The Nazis had Japan on there side, so of course they had ninjas. Why didn't anyone come up with this earlier. Perhaps it was to protect the public. Panic would have definitely hit the streets had this possibility been announced during the war. Now that it's out there, and it's believable, more movies can include these deadly assasins, thereby making movies on a whole 12.3% more exciting.

A revolutionary film, sure to change the course of filmmaking as we know it! Posted by Hello

Nice Choice of Words.

"Rumsfeld may widen abuse probe" This is the headline for a link on MSN. Now do you see why I love that page? It sounds like Good Ole Rumsy is taking matters into his own hands, and the probes everyone else were using just didn't have enough girth. The actual headline on the MSNBC page isn't much better at "Rumsfeld may expand prison abuse probe". Go ahead Rumsy, expand it till your smiling, just don't pop the thing.

How much wider? Posted by Hello

Do as I Say. C'mon, Do it!

I love the MSN homepage. They always have such insightful articles. Today's gem is entitled "Ten Surefire Ways to Tick Off Your Co-Workers". I really wish I was working, so I could use this to it's fullest. I went to the site, though and found that they want you to avoid these things. Apparently, they don't find ticking people off to be much fun. I ;however, do. I hope that punctuation ticked you off! Jerks. Anyway, since I am currently "freelancing", just a fancy word for unemployed, I have no co-workers to tick off. So I'm asking you, my trust-worthy readers, to do it for me. Then I want you to tell me how it went. So here's the short version of the list. (to really get into it, I suggest checking it out on MSN.)

"Ten Surefire Ways to Tick Off Your Co-Workers"

1. Is it all about you?
(apparently co-workers will get ticked off if you make them look bad, to make yourself look good.)

2. Answering Cell Phone Calls during Meetings.
(if it's an urgent call, alert those present: By yelling,"this call is more important than you losers.)

3. Sending Voicemails that go on and on and on.
(or maybe a blog entry?)

4. Acting like a Bureaucrat.
(if you don't know what that is, just act like a pirate.)

5. Reading the newspaper or hammer on your laptop during training sessions or meetings.
(if reading the paper, be sure to let everyone know how good the Marmaduke comic is. But don't let them see it.)

6. "I'm like, ya know . . ."
(they want you to speak like a professional. How about a professional wrestler?)

7. Doing your bills at the office.
(I've done this. It didn't tick off anyone. It may have peeved a few people, though.)

8. Skirting around the dress code.
(but I work better when I'm unrestricted.)

9. Taking it too easy on telecommute days.
(I don't even know what a telecommute day is. But if you do, please do this and tell me if you tick off anyone.)

10. Acting unethically.
(that's a bit broad MSN, c'mon! End your list with some strength. Now they've ticked me off.)

I'm adding my own...

11. Drink Yoo-hoo everyday and make it known that you love Yoo-hoo so much that you're never without one. Then when you don't have a Yoo-hoo and someone asks you where your Yoo-hoo is, accuse them of stealing it and rubbing it in your face. Make a scene for as long, and as loudly as possible. (this is sure to tick off at least one co-worker)

Smarter than Your Average Physicist

Apparently Stew forgot to pass on my findings concerning anti-hydrogen from about six months ago to the rest of the physics community. I won't get into it here, but I basically disproved all of physics as we know it, by asking him to send me a jar of hydrogen. Now physicists are still working on the old model here, but they are on the search for the Higgs Boson. The Higgs Boson is coined, "the Holy Grail of Physics". So lets pretend that physics as they know it is still relevant. According to the Higgs theory, nothing in the Universe would have any mass without the Higgs particle. Nice theory Higgs. Because everything obviously does have mass, you've set yourself up to look right very nicely. Well, here's the Johnny No Thumbs Theory: "Higgs watches too much Sci-Fi channel, and needs to get off his mass." According to Higgs, the particle is associated with an energy field that permeates the entire universe. Sounds a lot like "the force" to me. I don't care that Higgs had this theory in 1960, Lucas had been working on this Star Wars thing since well before that. You'll just have to trust me on this one. So stop looking for the Higgs Boson. It doesn't exist. Stop putting money into this research, and start giving me money to build a new physics, as I've debunked the old one earlier this year. Stew, back me up on this. Prepare to join the Neutron Train kids, New Physics is coming to town.

Because Zombie Nixon Was Just Too Creepy

I know the last few days have been hard on America. But that's why I bring you this encouraging news. I think this will finally get America off their asses and into the voting booths. I'm actually voting for Bush now. I have to give Kerry credit for this as I stole it off her site, but I needed to spread the good word to the American public (and by the American public I mean the 5 people that visit this site). So go to her site if you don't already (especially if you live in LA). She tells you about good music, movies, and zombies.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor

And after he does, he's going to take your State's money to pay off our debt, and take all the women and tell them to join Arnold (turns out it's not just a campaign slogan). Minnesota maybe the only state that could be safe. I'm not sure if "The Body" is still your Governor. For those of you who were not lucky enough to witness the gubernatorial race for California this year, opponents to Mr. S made sure we heard from every woman Arnold had harassed and groped throughout his illustrious career (which was apparently a lot). I don't know how much of this you other States heard. I live in my little bubble of sunshine here, where other States don't matter, except maybe New York but we really only care about the City. Anyway, I was talking about Arnold and his roaming hands. What I'm getting around to is that in his cameo for Around the World in 80 Days, he plays some sort of playboy prince, and people may get their undies in a bunch over it. So if you see anyone with bunched undies in the next couple weeks, that's probably why. Here's my favorite quote with an elliptical which I will post somewhat out of context: "Although he's a philanderer in the movie ..." It just finishes itself, doesn't it. Unfortunately for any ladies that recently claimed harassment against Arnold, he will be considered innocent as he was preparing for the role.

(This entry was really just an excuse to use the word gubernatorial.)

Our Governor picks on fat kids. Posted by Hello

With Bands Like These, Who Needs Dance, Dance, Revolution?

Last night I went to Spaceland to see Scissor Sisters. Being the second band of a free show, I wasn't sure what to expect. But these guys turned a jaded LA show into a dance club for at least an hour. Also the first time I've seen a band that was not the headliner, come back out for a well deserved encore. Great show, if you missed them, they'll be coming back for a West Coast tour in July and a national one in September. That's not all though. On Sunday I saw Franz Ferdinand at the Wiltern. These boys are a little more rock and roll, but you can still dance your ass off to them. Which, for LA, a decent amount of folks did. The rest just bobbed their heads and probably went to their chiropractors in the morning complaining of a sore neck, after picking up an herbal tea with a splash of soy milk, but before heading off to yoga. If you have the opportunity to catch either of these bands live, do it. Seriously though, I've got to see more awesome bands like these since I've just dropped my gym membership. It's only been two shows, but the ladies have already been asking if I've been working out. To which I reply, "Have you seen today's Marmaduke?" Ladies love Marmaduke. Trust me on this one.

They're like a party in your pants, but without any awkward humiliation. Posted by Hello

Monday, June 07, 2004

Cops Hate Rappers
Shortly after the announcement of his foray into rap music, David Hasselhoff (aka Hassle the Hoff) is being harassed by the fuzz. The Hoff was slapped with suspicion of DUI. Apparently the five-o are taking his rap name a bit too seriously. Come on officers, it's a play on words! Don't you remember what Ice-T said about his humor? This seems to be another case of the police hating someone just because he raps. They didn't even get him on a DUI, just suspicion. Sounds like a conspiracy to me. Right up there with the Biggie/Tupac murders.

Sorry Dave, but KIT should not be danced upon. Posted by Hello