Avast Ye, Scurvy Knaves!

I just read the greatest pirate book in the entire world. It's titled "The Pirates! In an adventure with Scientists." I would link to it, but I'm using my Mac and blogger hates my Mac. And if pirates aren't your thing it also involves Darwin. (Stew, I'm looking in your direction) And as a further sell to those of you that had chosen "real" majors in college, they also make reference to osmium during a climatic fight scene. It's also a very short and very fast read, so you won't strain yourself. I'd tell you more, but I don't want to ruin it all. So you'll just have to trust me.

Normally I'd put a picture here, but blogger hates letting me do that on my Mac too, so you'll just have to close your eyes and imagine an extremely hilarous pirate picture in your mind. (or a Darwin one, if you're more inclined... or better yet, one of Darwin dressed as a pirate, or one as a pirate dressed as Darwin. But you could also imagine a picture of a purple brontosaurus befriending a drunken Koala if you like. Basically, anything's okay as long as you also imagine a clever saying beneath it. I don't want to limit you.)

Bringin' it Back from long ago

Quite some time ago, I told y'all about some bands that you should check out so that you could say you liked them before everyone else. One of these bands was the Roughstars. Well, they just made a music video for their song "Letter in Blue". Check it out. You'd better find their album now if you want to be ahead of your neighborhood hipsters. You should also keep drinking your Yoo-hoo if you want to be cool before cool's cool, if you know what I mean. Another solid reason to go to this site is that it also has some of Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter's "Stella" skits. And the Fensler G.I. Joe "the more you know" cartoons.

UPDATE: Hearting Ashlee Simpson even more.
She makes my want to La La.

So I checked out Ashlee's new video on itunes this morning and it turns out that she may have planned the whole Nikki Sixx knock-off look. In her "La La" video she's wearing a Motley Crue shirt of the Dr. Feelgood era. Coincidence? I think not. Besides wearing an awesome shirt and sporting a swass hairdo she continues her path of destruction in this video. As you remember, in the last video she throws a bowl of cereal with milk into the camera and later causes a mirror to shatter. Well, in this video she goes crazy, like a fox. First she dances on a van. Without the van owner's permission! Rebel! Then she totally kicks over a garbage can. Rebel! Then she loiters outside of a 7-11 type place. Try to stop her, I dare you. Then she throws her coke at a biker and causes him to bite it, as she keeps dancing. What kind of young lady would do that? A rebellious one of course. But wait, there's more! Then she goes to a kegger and pushes some dude in the pool. When the kegger gets busted by the cops, she takes it to a laundry mat (keg and everything)and totally rocks the place. Seriously, with this kind of resume of destruction who cares if she sings. I bet if you try to call her on it, she'll just pop a Nexium and then pop you in the face and dance off down the street to the nearest house party.


I can't think of a clever comment to write so I'll let Sebastian Bach tell you what he thinks. 


Ashlee's a Rebel and I have some swass lightning bolts on my pants. We are the Youth Gone Wild! 

Sorry to break it to you Sebastian, but you're not too young anymore. In fact, I'd be surprised if you still fit in those swass pants. If you do though, you should definitely wear them next time you're on an episode of Gilmore Girls. And if you don't still fit in them, can I have them?

Checkin' in with Good Ole Rex Morgan, M.D.

Man this cartoon is great. I took out the last panel because I didn't want to ruin the ending for you. That and it was lame and I couldn't think of anything to say about it. Anyway, this kid has got to be the worst liar in the world. First off, if you're going to lie about being hurt don't make it something lame that makes you sound like a sissy. For example, oh I don't know...A PONY! Seriously, say a rabid mustang hurt you if you want to stay with the horse theme. Or a fierce badger injured you. Anything but a pony. You might as well say a butterfly scared you and you fell on a pillow as you ran away crying and the pillow gave you rugburn and it really really hurt. But it gets better. Turns out Grandma is the cause of the injury! C'mon kid, can't you outrun a geriatric lady. I love how they put his face in silhouette like they do in TV shows where they can't reveal an identity. That makes it okay for him to tell the sad truth, because at the end of the day no one will really know it was him.


I'd hurt you too, for being such a lame liar. 

WARNING! The following picture will give you nightmares. Guaranteed!

I really don't have much to say about the following picture, however I only think that it's fair that I type enough so that you must scroll down to see it, as the shock of seeing it without warning my haunt you forever.

Seriously, I know that I'm not going to be able to sleep at all tonight with visions of that dancing in my head.

I've chosen to share it with you only out of the "if I had to experience it, then so do my friends" kind of way.

You know, like when something tastes really bad and you're not satisfied until you convince someone else to go through the same pain as you.

Well, that's what going on here.

So, for the brave ones. Keep on scrolling.


One last warning. Are you sure you want to do this?


Alright, but don't blame me when you're addicted to sleeping pills. I warned you not once, not twice, but thrice.

Anytime I need to stay up at night to finish work, I just have to look at this picture. That's way cheaper than a six-pack of Jolt. 

I Heart Ashlee Simpson

You read that right. I do heart her, but in a I wish she was my best friend kind of a way. Now you maybe asking yourself, why Johnny do you like the younger Simpson? If you are indeed asking that, then I will give you the answer.
1. She's a rebel. Yep, while most singers actually sing, she does not. And while all the other teenie boppers are dancing provocatively, she dances the jig. And seriously, if you want to be rebel there ain't no better way than by dancing a jig on live tv. And she spells her name unconventionally. Seriously, how many Ashlee's do you know? (the spell-checker even tells me that's not right.)

2. Have you seen you new video for Shadow. She's crazy, but in a good way. And she smashes things. And smashing things = AWESOME in the book of Johnny Awesome.

3. The final reason I heart her, is that she sports the same haircut as Nikki Sixx. If she just teased it out and Aquanetted the hell out of it, she'd look straight out of Shout at the Devil. And I have a soft spot for anyone with hair that awesome. Need proof? Here goes:


A. Here's the lovely Ashlee Simpson. Check out the hair.

This +... 

B. Here's Rock n Roll Jesus himself, Nikki Sixx. Check out the hair.

...this = ? 

C. In case you can't visualize the connection yourself, I've created this to better illustrate my point.

?= this! I wish I had photoshop and a stylus. Instead I have paint and a trackpad. But it gets the point across. 

Camera-Phone Technology just doesn't cut it anymore.

This is the best pic I could get at the show even though I was super close to the stage. The bright lights just blow everything out. Nikki was standing at the edge of the stage on a monitor, so you can barely make out a darker blob inside the bright blob. Well, my friends, that blob is one Nikki Sixx himself.


If I had a swass digital camera, you'd get such better Hollywood updates (hint, hint). 

Crue Jonesin'

Oh man, Monday had to be the coolest day ever. The day started over at the Hustler store on the Sunset Strip. We waited in line for our wristbands for the secret Motley Crue show, and were pleasantly surprised when the gave out two to each person. Then we browsed, but not longer than thirty minutes as they have signs posted telling you that thirty minutes is the longest you can browse. After that we went to the Rainbow Room and got a burger and a beer. I highly suggest going there during the day for a burger and fries. It only costs $4. You'll spend that much at Carl Jr's, which for you Midwesterners is the exact same restaurant as Hardee's, only without all the orange decor. Then we went to the Palladium and waited outside for them to let us in. The band was supposed to land by helicopter but the fire marshall pulled permission at the last minute, so they pulled up in a sweet pimped out hearse. Coolest hearse since Ghostbusters. They they let everyone in but locked us in the lobby like cattle as the press did the whole conference thing they do. And then they let us in and the show began. Steve-o from Jackass came out to warm-up the crowd by slicing his tongue with glass and smearing blood on his face in the style of Shout at the Devil Nikki and Tommy. Then the Crue came on stage. They opened with Dr. Feelgood and it was loud. We were about fifteen feet away from the stage. Something that will never happen again for a band this big. I've been farther away for Ima Robot. Next they played Shout at the Devil. At this point I thought about putting in the earplugs someone gave my, but I realized that this is Motley Crue, and you don't wear earplugs at a Motley Crue show. Then the played their new song If I Die Tomorrow. Which honestly, I don't like too much. They followed that with Girls, Girls, Girls, and ended the evening with Wild Side. Tommy Lee is an awesome drummer. Nikki still looks great and tossed his bass in the air and smashed it at the end of the set. Vince looks better than he did a year ago, but he's still chubby and he was out of breath from running around the stage. Mick looks like a zombie. The man could barely move, but he could still play the hell out of his guitar. The was the best concert I've been to this year. The crowd was really into it and the band still rocked instead of going through the motions to make a bunch of money. I'm definitely going to go see them at the Forum on the 23rd of March. I hope they've got a huge stage show with some sort of crazy drum set stunt. And watch Jimmy Kimmel tonight to see them play.


Awesome....seriously. 

Sabre-tooth Tigers Rule.

Seriously, the only way they could have been any cooler is if they breathed fire. If that was the case they'd probably still be alive today and I could have one as a pet. But since that's not possible I'll have to settle for finding this awesome slide and going down it head first as the workers are yelling at me and telling me it's not safe, and as all the little kids look on in wonder at my carefree rebellious nature and have something to aspire to grow up as.


If I ever find this slide, I'm pulling rank on all the kids and getting to the front of the line.